Hasan On How To Survive The Zombie Apocalypse | Deep Cuts | Patriot Act With Hasan Minhaj | Netflix


“What is one characteristic you
hope your daughter gets from you? And what characteristic do
you hope she gets from your wife?” You guys are always like,
building me up and then just… How about– so what
do I, for real– I want her to get
her brains, her kindness, her work ethic,
her optimism. And then I want her to get
my energy and hand-movements. She already kind of does,
she does this a lot. “What is your go to game
plan in a zombie apocalypse? We feel like you would
have a good plan of action.” This is from Erin. Um, well, here’s
what I’m going to do. I gotta stock up
on contact lenses. It’s the zombie apocalypse! I gotta be ready. I mean, technically
I will have glasses, but… I can’t be a nerd. It’s the apocalypse so
I gotta go get some Acuvues. Wait, what? Are you–
Why are you covering– So what? So is like,
40% of the audience. The way you covered
his face was like, “No, he’s gonna die!” What’s your prescription? I’m a negative 6.5 in one eye,
Negative 8 in this one. Don’t judge me! That’s why I’m saying I can’t
lose my glasses in the Zombie Apocalypse. I gotta stay–
I gotta be able to do this. That’s a great question, you know,
I went in for an appointment, I went in for a consultation,
and the lasik doctor was wearing glasses. And I was like “Nah.” And I was like, “Why haven’t
you gotten lasik?” And she’s like, “Well we don’t
know everything about–” And I’m like, “I’m out.
I’m not even gonna do this.” She had glasses,
that’s bad. That’s like, not a
good ad for lasik surgery. Yeah. How long do you think I’d last?
I think I would die pretty fast. To be quite honest.
You think I’d last? Make the zombies laugh? So they’d be like, “*snarls*
Ahhh, that’s really funny.” I need my crew. The zombie apocalypse is
about having your crew. Like, uh… Who’s your core crew?
Is this the crew? Yeah. And then–
You’re just solo? Oh, I’m sorry. Alright, you guys are
the zombie apocalypse crew. What strengths are
you bringing to the table? Run fast.
What do you think? Just run?
It’s not just speed! You have to have strategy,
you have to have trustworthiness. You gotta be recourseful. You can climb trees? Well, it depends– I mean this–
we can get deep, there’s a lot of different zombie
mythology, there’s like There’s some zombies that
can walk through ocean, they can actually
go under water. ‘Cause my whole thing is,
if they can’t go into water, you get to the island and
then you secure the island. I’ve thought this through. I also have to travel with
people that I’m like, I really need. So I’d travel
with my barber. He’s like lining me up. Yeah. I think you have to get to a
Costco and secure the Costco. Say what? I know, or go on a cruise.
Aw, that’s awful! What if the only thing
available was the Kid Rock cruise? (I’d rather die.) You’re like, “Just bring
me to the zombies.” What do you think? Over /
under, how long you’d last? A couple weeks? Full on– full zombie
apocalypse, the whole country? That’s such a dude thing,
by the way, we’re like, “I’d last like,
a few months.” Every single one of my
guy friends that I talk to, They’re like, “Look, I’m not
just gonna do something stupid like, just go down the hallway,
or just get eaten by–” I don’t know man, I don’t
think I would last that long. “What’s the worst fad
you have ever participated in?” This is from Kush. Is Kush here? What’s the worst fad
you’ve participated in? White sneakers? Are you serious? Yo, you know what’s crazy? This show–
This show, This whole Q&A thing has turned
into a full on roast session. This is bullshit,
this is, honestly, I do this out of like,
the love for you guys. This has turned into
a family situation, You’re taking photos
when you shouldn’t, It’s totally– like, this is
what I’m talking about guys! I open it up,
two weeks straight, I get roasted
about my pockets! I’m joking, White sneak– you
don’t like the white sneaks? Alright,
we’re good, we’re good, I was wrong,
we’re good. White sneakers are whack?
They’re not cool? i thought like,
crispy white– Are white – Let me ask,
are white sneakers not cool? I thought white
sneakers were cool. Yeah, mutiny!
Zombie Apocalypse! This side
versus this side! I’m joking. Alright, can I tell
you the one I did? I did puka shells
in middle school. That was bad.
That was really bad. It was a phase. Puka shells are like… How would you describe
puka shells? It was like… Like these, like, white
shells around your neck. They’re called
VSCO girls? So that was a thing
at your school, too? Now?
It’s back? Oh shit. I’m sorry.
You know what? We’re all in these like,
transition periods in our life. This is a
no judgment zone. What else did I– You know
the fad that I wanted to do? I wanted to
bleach my hair. Yeah, come on! For real, I didn’t end up doing it,
I’m too much of a coward. Don’t you think–
But it could fuck up fast. You could be like Neymar, or like Guy Fieri,
like it could… If not executed well,
you could… So it’s good that I didn’t like,
just bleach the top part? What if I came out and
I was like, being really serious, I’m like, “Guys, we have
to talk about insulin prices.” and I’m just… I’m Marshall Mathers
from here up. I did gel pens,
but I still love gel pens. Gel pens are great. What’s your
favorite gel pen? Oh, there’s
a specific year? Respect. Wow! Everyone’s like,
“make this guy president!” Those are great,
those are great. My favorite is the
uniball vision elite. That’s my favorite pen. Oh, that’s fancy? I don’t pay for it,
the show does. I do a lot of things
where I’m just like, “order 70 more pens.” They’re
like, “Do you need them?” I’m like,
“Yes, I do.” You steal stuff
from work, right? The Key is, you
gotta do it slowly. Siphon it off. That’s how I’m going to
last in the zombie apocalypse. Everyone’s gonna be like,
“You have the shit?” and I’m like,
“I got a lot of… pens.” Alright. “If you made a
Tinder what would your bio be?” This is from Laura. Alright this is a trap. You know I’m married
with– I have a baby. “If you made a
Tinder–” is Laura here? Okay. Laura, this is a strange
question. Are you on Tinder? Okay. Why the– Just a
creative question. I would–
does anyone have a Tinder? I would love to do their bio,
if anyone wants me to do their bio. You want me to do it?
I’ll do it right now. Let’s do it. Yes. Yeah I’ll do it.
I’ll change your– I can change your bio? Yeah. Really? Alright, let me see it. Alright, there’s no like,
super private information here? Okay. Alright,
here we go. Techno, let’s do this. Okay, here we go. This is the bio. “Artist / vegan / teacher / feminist / pug
mom / environmentalist / weirdo / freaky.” Okay. And what do you do– What,
there’s a lot of photos of you. One, two, three… Okay, so. Let me see, so you
have one of you in front of just, like, this looks like,
kinda like an oil painting. Just an oil
painting vibe. We got one here,
wearing the same dress you’re wearing right
now in the second one. Your third one– in number three
why aren’t you showing your face? Okay. Puppy.
It’s a puppy photo. Okay, so
here let’s do this. Um, I’m gonna just
do the bio real quick. About me, “Virgo, Leo,
Capricorn” – Oh boy. I don’t really do that. Uh, astronomy
is not my thing. Alright,
here we go. “Patriot Act… new episodes… streaming…” Alright, and we gotta do like,
a meaningful quote, so here we go. “Tonight on Patriot Act, not all who wander are lost.” “Christina, 23, art teacher,
Maryland Institute College of Art.” Enjoy. Thank You. That was wild. I felt like– I’m gonna be honest
when I was holding that I was, ‘cause this is very
important right. I can’t just
fuck this up. Okay. Shit. Okay. Alright.
I hope that helped? “If you could talk
to your younger self, what would you tell him?”
This is from Brittany. I would say just
easy on the Polo Sport. You know what I mean?
Like you don’t have to bathe in it. just a couple sprays.
You don’t have to like… What else? I guess, um… Don’t stress out as
much, it’ll be alright. That’s it, yeah, it’ll
be alright, don’t stress. That’s what I’d
probably tell younger me. “If you could ask one question
and be guaranteed complete honesty, what and who
would you ask?” I would ask you… How do you feel
about white sneakers? No I’m just… Okay I would– Eddie, can you
step into the light please? Eddie, can you
step into the light? Into the light,
into the light. Get in the light. Jib, grab Eddie. I would ask Eddie, our
wonderful stage manager… would you be my– I’m getting nervous, bro. Would you be my
friend outside of work? No you–
for real?! Two hundred percent? You know we’ve done 22
episodes together, Eddie. A hundred percent? Sometimes… a host and a stage manager
are not friends outside of work… And you really hate to
see that sort of thing… But the good news is: This is not
one of those times. Because Hasan and Eddie,
well… They’re friends. ♪ Eddie and Hasan ♪ ♪ (and Hasan and Eddie) ♪ ♪ Eddie and Hasan ♪ ♪ (and Hasan and Eddie) ♪ ♪ Eddie and Hasan ♪ ♪ (and Hasan and Eddie) ♪ ♪ Eddie and Hasan ♪ ♪ (They’re friends) ♪

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