Ask any child the one thing they
would rescue from a house fire and they’re likely to say
YouTube/YouTubers. In this series, I, Liam Williams, a man who doesn’t own a smartphone
because he believes they’re for playing puzzle games and arranging reckless
sexual encounters, and he hasn’t done either since
he was 14, will be meeting them. Each week, I’ll be taking
a different challenge, as I try to become more like them
and hopefully win a £10,000 prize. Yah! Fuck. KLAXON BLARES James Wirm had taken me
out of the office to announce my new challenge
in a fitting location. Loving that, Joshy Boy. Loving that to death. Right, do you want to know what
your challenge is this week? Health and fitness. Do you want
to know what your challenge is? Not tell me what you think it is.
Yes, please. I’ll tell you. Drumroll, please. Health and fitness. I thought so, cos of the gym.
Cos of the gym. Your challenge this week is to make
a health and fitness vlog. And you’ve got to make
a fitness vlog that is chosen as one of the fittest fitness vlogs by FightingFitVlog.com, OK? Now, that’s not easy, because there are a lot of good
fitness vloggers out there, boy, so you’ve got to make yours
stand out. Find a niche. Capiche? Niche. Capiche. Hmm. Maybe I might do a bit of lifting
myself. Go for it. Just have a little… Eh, fuck off! Ow! What the fuck are they making
those things out of? Has your shoulder gone?
No, I’m good. Josh, do you know how to put
shoulders back in? I’m good. You’re weighing yourself. Health and fitness is
one of YouTube’s most rapidly expanding
categories, with all sorts of different vloggers
delivering their own brands, which might go some way towards
ameliorating the ticking time-bomb health crisis, resulting from
a society addicted to sitting down watching videos
on YouTube all day. I was still sweaty from
my massive gym sesh when I went to visit
Charlie and Millipede. Hi, guys. Hello. So, today, as you can maybe tell, we’re doing yoga. Om… Is that yoga? Shall we do it at the same time? Um… And also, namaste, and that means “hello”
in yoga. I’d never previously noticed them
having that much fun together, so I was happy to see them
being so carefree. So, like that.
HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY Sorry! I couldn’t resist. How long does it take to edit
a video like this? An hour. An hour? Looks complicated. Sorry… What? (Can you smell something?) What? Smell? Can you smell something?
Smell? Is it you? Ohh, yeah. What’s that? Is it me? I just did
a workout with James Wirm. Really? I thought it was Charlie. Why… No way would I smell like that! Can I take a shower here?
Yeah. No worries. If you use any of the products,
you do have to mention it on camera. I guess I’ll use this old… I will use this old,
small bar of soap. I don’t want to have
this conversation. I’m not saying it because James
said we have to stay together. I just think it’s the right thing to
do. I’ve made my mind up, Charlie. He’s just texted. Apparently,
he’s dislocated his shoulder. Good! I hope he dislocates his head, so then maybe he’ll stop
controlling our lives. What are you doing? Thank you
for the towel, kind sir. Vegetable-y lasagne-y – that is French dish
for vegetable lasagne. Green and orange – that’s a carrot
and a courgette-y. Ate a lasagne without
a sheet of pasta, sailing the seas with that sheet.
Cheeses, sauces. Easy-peasies. Real quick disclaimer – you should
probably put a T-shirt on – that fat spits like a bitch. Olly Wicks is a nutritionist
megastar. He believes so strongly that you never need to leave your
house to do a workout that he refuses to leave his house
at all. And he also disapproves of
anyone else leaving theirs. Olly? Olly! Futile. Fighting a losing battle. Unlike Olly, Polly fucking loves
to be outside. It feels incredible to be outside! Think what you’re going to be like
on a Friday. You’re going to be
a totally different person. Lemon juice, a lot of turmeric
and a herb that you can actually only get in Kerala. The smell is like nothing
I’ve ever smelt before. It reminds me of a swamp. That’s stunning. It’s really kicking off, kale,
isn’t it? I’ve been eating it all my life.
Have you really? So, for me… Since you were a kid?
Yeah, since I was a baby. This was sort of my milk. I wasn’t breast fed,
I was given kale. BLENDER WHIRS It’s not really doing anything. It might need a little bit
more water. A little bit distracted. So, why don’t you have a little
taste of that, Liam? Wash out all those vices. What vices? You’re Northern, so… As well as creating
her own smoothies, Polly also creates her own
yoga positions. SHE MOANS And one for when Mo Farah’s running. That’s what he does when he runs! SHE GIGGLES This is a cool little… Sorry, could you take your shoes
off? Yes. They’re quite… No, I’d rather…
Cos it’s my temple. ‘I’d hoped that speaking to Polly ‘would inspire a new angle for
my health and fitness vlog.’ Be as healthy and as energised
as I can be. Number three.
Be as beautiful as I can be. Don’t you think that we live
in a society that’s very obsessed with the way people look
and, actually, to say you’ll find happiness
by being beautiful is a bit dangerous and, really,
the message should be, it doesn’t matter
what you look like? OK. Yeah. I definitely agree with that. So, what I like to do is make sure
I know I look good, so that I know other people think
I look good, so I don’t need to worry
what people think because I know I look good,
so I don’t need to worry. Some know you as a vlogger, more now
know you as an author. Yeah. I love author…ship. When I started vlogging, I started
writing little cookbooks, and BLEEP began stocking my book. That’s a great coincidence, because I’ve found out that your dad
is actually on the board of BLEEP. He works for BLEEP.
I don’t know what… And your mum runs BLEEP,
that publishes all your books. SHE BREATHES DEEPLY Holly, it’s been great to meet you. It’s gorgeous to meet you. ‘I felt like Polly’s approach
to health and fitness ‘wasn’t really for me. ‘Luckily, Charlie had an alternative ‘that he thought might be more
my cup of health drink.’ Into the breach. Is it “into” or… ‘Charlie thought I might get
more inspiration ‘from a vlogger called
Johnny Jackson, who was ‘one of the last people still doing
Mannequin Challenge in 2017.’ Agh! Ha-ha! THEY LAUGH Charlie… ‘Johnny Jackson and his crew,
the LAD PAD, ‘put the dumb bell
into dumb-bell workout.’ HE ROARS Feel the burn! Look at them! I’m a big fan of the Boat Race. Johnny describes his two
main interests as… Protein, pranks and pussy. ..which is technically three
interests, if you use counting. Who’s this, Charlie? This is Liam. He’s doing a… What was it?
TV show for BBC Three. But it’s online.
Online only now, yeah. TV show, yeah? Yes. BBC Three? Yeah, BBC Three.
Online only now. Right? Yeah. So… All right. I’m Johnny. I know. I bet you do. Attention! ROCK MUSIC PLAYS You’ve got to do your workout. 90 minutes. You come back in,
chicken’s done. Oi-oi! You all right, darling?
Fuck off. Oh! LAUGHTER Hey, does she have a sweaty minge,
or is she just pleased to see me? HE GUFFAWS Johnny, why don’t you show Liam
the LAD PAD workout? Huh? Yeah, yeah, course. Always up for training up gammas. You wanna be motivated,
you wanna get big, better. Look at him. Look at his legs. What is going on here?
Just sit up. How? Just… Like a sit-up.
Sit up. Just sit up. Sit up. Ohh! Yeah, just like that. There you go. Keep your bum down! Agh! Do it again. Can you help?
Like the T-shirt? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Get ripped or die trying. I don’t think that’s what it says. Push up, mate. Can you help? Agh! That’s it. Yeah! Do it again. Sweat is just fat crying. Science is a bit… No, it’s real. LIAM STRAINS It’s easy. It is easy, cos I’m doing
most of the work. Why don’t you try it
without the rope first? Yeah. That’s good. That’s good. Look at Liam go. Now just do it with the real rope. I know the theory, so… HE EXCLAIMS HE GROANS ‘They say exercise helps
with anxiety and depression, ‘and I suppose
if I did this every day ‘I might get a nice big body,
and beautiful women ‘would want to be with me
and love me, and then I’d be ‘less depressed and anxious.
Back we go to the old modes ‘of masculinity – trying to get
strong and cracking sexist jokes, ‘all your mates from school
get hench ‘and spend 24% of their income
on protein. ‘But then there’s nothing else in
their lives to be excited about. ‘Worship your own body,
take back control from nature ‘and you will never be ugly ‘and you will never die.’ Balance your chakras
in just 30 seconds. I knew I couldn’t appeal
to a mainstream audience more than the vloggers I had met,
but maybe I could appeal to a specific but nevertheless
large niche. Rigatoni! Hey, guys, hope you’re OK.
Not feeling too suicidal today. My name’s Liam Williams. I’m going to be showing you my SAD LAD workout. I know my audience – sad, bitter,
pseudo-intellectual men, and some women, but mostly men, in their 20s and 30s, for whom the main obstacle
preventing exercise is nihilism. I’m no good. You’re no good. Nobody you love is good. Civilisation as we know it will
surely collapse within 20 years, and if you want to survive
amongst the ruins you’re going to have to be fit. Nice pointless lifts.
Totally futile. You get a big block of tofu and you just eat it. MUFFLED: It doesn’t taste nice. Flavour is just
a bourgeois indulgence. VLOG CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY You carry on, mate. I have got to… # Ba-ba-ba-lap-ba-ba # E-mail Nozomi. # Nozumi? You’re e-mailing Nozomi now?
Yes, she’s coming over next week. Next week?! Can I meet her? No, I already said, don’t get
any ideas. I’m not, I just asked a question.
You know what happened to the boy who asked too many questions,
don’t you? What? He heard too many answers. No idea what that’s supposed
to mean. James? Yes, Apple, my boy? Ohhh… Can’t say in front of… Do you want to put it into code? Um… Beep, beep-beep, beep, beep-beep! Apple? Don’t put it into Morse code. Make up a code
that I can understand, and Liam will struggle with. OK. M wants to… be you… Be me? No. No, no. B-U. B-U. Mm-hm. No, B-U. Be me. No. B-U with CS. And wants to annul the contract. C? C. Do you know what, Apple? Could you… Or wait until… ..LW…has left, and then we can just talk. N. Yeah. So wait here or… Why would you wait here? I… Why would he wait here? I don’t know. Ladies and gentlemen, Apple! Unbelievable. Lovely guy, but an absolute fountain
of gobbledegook. Yeah. I didn’t understand a word
of what he was trying to say. How could you? It was in code. Yeah,
it was completely impenetrable. Did you get it? No. Did you? No. Next week, I would venture boldly into the beating heart of YouTube and hopefully into the symbolic art
of Nozomi. Nice carpet here, isn’t it? I know. Nice carpet? Orange! Terrible chap.