Ian is Pregnant!


– Oh, look at the little baby. Coochie-coochie-coo! – SHUT UP! – What are you downloading? – Uh, the third Lord of the Rings. I’ve actually I’ve never seen the last one. – You’ve never seen a last Lord of the Rings? – No. – Dude! That’s like the best one. Okay, so, like, Frodo– – Dude. Okay, if you ruin this movie for me like you do with every movie, I will jump out of a freaking window. Okay? – Sorry, man. Anyway, I just came in here to tell you something kind of important. – What? – I’m pregnant. – (chuckles) Why would you ever– oh my God. How did that happen? – I don’t know. I– I think maybe Antoinette got me pregnant, you know, before I dumped her. – But she dumped you. – No, she didn’t. – Yes. – No. – Yes. – No. – Yes. – No. – Yes. – No. – Then what’s this? – So have you ever thought about how many kids we’re gonna have? – I think I want to break up. – NOOOOOOOO! Why?! You ruined my life! Get out! Why were you in my room? – Why– why aren’t– why aren’t you out getting a pregnancy test or something
to see if you’re pregnant? – “Pee on the tester to determine if you’re pregnant.” Hmm. All right. – Hey, Ian, what are– what are you doing?! Oh my– (screaming) Stop! Stop! – I can’t stop mid-pee! That takes years of training! – (screaming) Just turn it around! – I can’t! (both screaming) Hey, um, can we just pretend that I didn’t just pull an R. Kelly on you? – So are you prego or what? – Okay. Can you not call it “prego”? Because every time you do, it reminds me of spaghetti. And yeah, I’m pretty sure I’m pregnant. So is it a girl or a boy? – Look, there is no way a man can be pregnant. When your girlfriend broke up with you, you probably just got depressed and put on a few pounds. – Okay, look. I cry all the time. I get super emotional, and I eat all the time. So yes, I am pregnant. – Point to which organ you think your baby could possibly be in. That’s your colon. You’re gonna poop your baby out? – Well, duh, it’s the way that all babies are born. You’re really that stupid? – So he didn’t even give you an ultrasound or anything? – No, he just called me fat. Think he’s a racist. Oh, hide! – What? – That skank. Antoinette got that guy pregnant, too. (scoffs, crunches) – You know, I’m actually kinda starting to think you are just fat. – Okay. I am pregnant, okay. Just wait five more months, and you’ll see. Guess I really am just fat. – Told you you shouldn’t have bought all that baby stuff. – You know what? I’m actually kind of relieved that I’m not pregnant. Almost as relieved as Frodo was at the end of the last Lord of the Rings. You know, like when he drops the ring into the lava of Mount Doom and Sauron is defeated and, like, everybody’s happy at the end. You know? – (growls mightily) (thud) – Go to Smash.com to see what Anthony was doing in my room before he caught me breaking up with Antoinette. Or– or don’t see it. It’s kind of embarrassing for me.

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