John Gray: “Work with Me: The Blind Spots Between Men and Women in Business” | Talks at Google

John Gray: “Work with Me: The Blind Spots Between Men and Women in Business” | Talks at Google

lot for coming to our talk. It’s my pleasure to introduce
today’s distinguished guest speaker, Dr. John Gray, a great
author of the book “Men Are from Mars, Women Are Venus,”
the best-selling relationship book of all years. He wrote 18 other books,
and you can read about them on his website and his
[INAUDIBLE] publications. And I won’t keep
you longer, and I’ll let John Gray to
speak for himself and share with you
the differences between the genders. Thank you, John, for coming. JOHN GRAY: Thank you
for having me here. Well, it’s really fun
for me to be at Google, since I live on Google. It’s a researcher’s dream to
be able to Google everything instantly. You don’t understand
something, Google it. Understand something, Google it. I remember one of my
mentors a long time ago was saying that if, when
you’re speaking, if you use one word that somebody
can’t understand, then they tend to blank out
on everything else you say. And one of the great
things for Google for me is I’ll be reading
research and this and this, and if a word comes
along I don’t understand, I can immediately Google
that and come back. Because to truly
understand something, you have to actually
understand every word. But we intuitively think we’re
going to get it at the end, but we don’t. So in my message on
“Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus,” what’s so
much fun for me is, typically, people can relate
to the examples from your own
personal experience. So just to know you a
little bit as my audience so I give the right talk, who
has read “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus”? How many of you read it? So a lot of you haven’t. OK, now, how many of you who
haven’t have heard of it? So your parents read it, right? That was when I knew
I was getting old, when people would
come up and they’d go, oh, I love your book,
and my parents read it. They started going
on walks together. They actually are so
much happier afterwards, so they thank me. And I said, well,
when you get ready, you’ll probably want
to read the book, too. So I’m going to give– for those
of you haven’t read “Men Are from Mars”– some of the basic
ideas of that in our short presentation, and we’ll
also have room for question and answers, if you
like to ask questions. I’ll also briefly talk about
my most recent book, which is called “Work with Me,”
which is about 25 books later. I’ve applied the
principles of understanding gender differences
in a positive way. Because so much of the
time, when men and women show up differently
in a relationship, we often have an intuitive
reaction, which is wrong. How many of you have read the
book called “Slow Thinker, Fast Thinker”? It was a good book,
but it talks about most of our interpretation
of reality is automatic, kind of like I know that that
building’s quite far away, and you’re closer to me. And when we’re in relationships,
when our partners say or do things, we have an
automatic interpretation, which is often
wrong, particularly when it’s the opposite sex. So a lot of my ideas,
I think the popularity of “Men Are from Mars”
was that you really don’t have to do
anything to change your relationship to the better. Because so many of the
problems that couples have in relationships
is misinterpretation. And so if you can start
to interpret a situation correctly, you find
out the problem is not as big as
you thought it was. There’s an old
Eastern Indian story of the person who sees a snake
on the ground, and it’s dark, and they start yelling and
screaming, snake, snake. And somebody turns on the
light, and it’s a stick. So so many of the problems
I see with my couples as a marriage counselor
are big problems to them, and then I explain it to
them, and it’s a stick, and then you can
work with the stick. So in “Work with Me”–
that’s the second book I’ll be briefly talking about. That’s my most recent
published book. It talks about gender
differences in the workplace, and how are these basic blind
spots between men and women. And we teach through
human resources in different companies. We go in, and we do these
workshops sometimes. And we did a survey of
over 100,000 men and women from workshops. So they filled out this survey
before they took the course. And we found that there are
these basic blind spots. There’s eight that I focus
on, but I’ll mention one right now, which is
we asked the women, do you feel appreciated
in the workplace? And over half of the
women felt they were not being appreciated by men. And then we ask the men,
do you appreciate women in the workplace? And over 90% of men
said, of course. So that’s a blind spot. Men think that they’re
communicating appreciation, but women often not
feeling appreciated. And this gives rise to one
of the basic differences between men and women, which
is that women feel valued and appreciated when
you know what they do. When a man gets paid, get
acknowledged for the result– good job, you did this, now you
get this promotion or whatever. That makes a man feel
valued and appreciated. Acknowledge what I do. But for a woman, she wants to be
acknowledged for what she does, but she also wants to be seen. She wants to be heard. She wants to be understood. And this was my first insight
into the world of “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from
Venus”– what was it– over 30 years ago. Before I realized it, before
I was even married to my wife. We’ve been married 28 years. But Helen is my
assistant 30 years ago. And Helen comes to me and
says she wants to quit. And I said, why would
you want to quit? You’re the best. I just gave you a raise. You make as much
as me, basically. And she said, it’s
not about the money. I just don’t feel appreciated. And I said, all right. Well, hold on. Why don’t you feel appreciated? Because I thought she
was a gift from heaven. And she said, well, John, you
don’t even know what I do. And my reaction as
a man was, that’s why I appreciate you so much. And we laugh because we
can see the logic of that. Of course. I don’t have to think. I don’t have to plan. I don’t have to do anything. She made all the arrangements. She put the money in the bank. She paid my bills. She organized my seminars. She handled all my clients. I just showed up at work and
counseled eight women today. Which, by the way, when “Men
Are from Mars” came out, everybody was so upset at me. Some people still are. How do you know this? I said, well, my
credentials, basically, as a counselor– how many
men have sat in a room and listened to women talk for
eight hours a day for 10 years? You have to get paid a lot
of money to do that job. So I said to her, just
let me– she said, you don’t even know what I do. And so I caught on very quickly. I said, well, give me
a week, and let’s see. So Helen continued to
work for me for years. I just celebrated her birthday
with her just recently. And all I did differently–
and Helen stayed with me and felt valued
and appreciated– was I took five extra minutes
a day to find out what she did. And once I knew what she did,
then she felt part of a team. Very important for women
to feel part of a team, not to feel isolated. Second thing is she
felt seen, and that I come in and actually
look at her. If you’re a programmer, an
engineer brain, you’re a guy, eye contact is not
so important for you. But to women, it is. Watch women talk, they’ll
be looking at each other, whereas guys could be looking
off or looking down or looking around, sometimes
looking at each other, but always when there’s a point. If you’re talking
social talk with guys, we have to be looking at a
football game or a computer screen. It was just the other
night, I was at a party with one of my old friends
who was sitting next to me. And my wife is
sitting over here. Actually, it was
Helen’s birthday, and she’s sitting in front. And I’m talking to
Martin, his name is, and my wife points out
to me 3/4 of the way into the evening,
John, you’re not looking at Martin when you talk. You need to look at him. I said, OK, honey. I looked at Martin. He didn’t even notice either. So what I focus on is
the little differences between men and women. It’s not like a woman
can’t do what a man does. It’s not that a man can’t
do what a woman does. And it’s not that all men and
all women fit into these slots so neatly. Generally, about
10% of men will tend to relate more the
female examples. 10% of women will relate
more to the male examples. Women often come up
to me and say, gee, I feel like I’m from Mars. And I say, well,
that’s conditioning, to a great extent. Women today are
conditioned to be like men, and there’s no
safety to acknowledge feminine aspects of who you are. And part of my message
is to validate that, but not to negate if you’re
more on your masculine side. That’s great. That allows you to
often fit into the work world much better. And women will say to me
after they read my book, they say, yeah, I feel
like I’ve become a man to become successful, and I’m
very confused when I get home. It’s like I feel split. So I wrote a book, which is
called “Why Mars and Venus Collide” before I
wrote this book. And “Why Mars and
Venus Collide” is– what’s happening today is that
women go into the workplace. The workplace stimulates
certain hormones. Now, that hormone is the
hormone is the hormone that gets produced when
you’re solving problems and particularly when you
have a responsibility, and it’s all up to you, and
you’re solving a problem. Now, what hormone would that be? That hormone is
called testosterone. It’s the emergency hormone. It’s the hormone when
you feel pressured, when you feel a sense
of got to go fast. Got to get this done. It’s up to me. Nobody else is going to do it. Or you sacrifice because
it’s a difficult thing, but you say, I can handle
it, because I’m getting paid, and that’s my job. That’s the hormone
only gets produced. It’s testosterone. Well, the difference between a
woman’s body and a man’s body is hormonal. These are real
physiological differences. The average male
needs 30 times more testosterone to
be in a good mood. The number one cause
of heart disease in men is a low testosterone. There’s no man that has
a heart attack unless he has low testosterone,
high estrogen, estrogen being the feminine hormone. As men get older, they start
thinking, I want to quit. That’s because faulty diet,
lack of exercise, too many estrogens in our environment. What happens is
estrogen levels star rising, pushing
testosterone levels down. That is number one
cause of heart disease. As soon as the
man retires, which means he doesn’t have
work, which means, I have to get up
and do something. I have to solve problems. A man has one year before
his first heart attack. This is a statistical fact. So a statistical fact. Not every man. But men need to work. Men need to go out there
and solve problems, because solving problems
releases testosterone, and testosterone a hormone
that lowers stress for men. Does testosterone
lower stress for women? No. Does testosterone being
released feel good to women? Yes. It feels good. So women can love
their testosterone job, but their stress levels
rise and rise and rise. And this is shown
in a study that was done in Scandinavian
countries of several hundred thousand women and
men being tested, and they found
that– and this is one of the areas where
you have the greatest equality between
men and women– I get frustrated when I go there,
because they call it equality. I call it blindness. We’re all the same,
which we’re not the same. But at least there’s
equal respect for everybody, which
is a good thing. But real equality is
when you can recognize the differences in the
spirit of equality, equal opportunity, equal
respect, regardless of man, woman, culture,
race, whatever. So what they found in this
study in Scandinavia– huge four-country study– is
that women in the workplace, their stress levels were
twice as high as men’s. When women came home
from the workplace, their stress levels were
four times higher than men. These are averages. And that basically means their
happiness level is dramatically declining. University studies in
America have repeatedly shown that, in the ’70s, women’s
happiness level was way up here, and men’s was down here. Men has pretty much
stayed the same, and women has
dramatically dropped. So what you get, as women
move more into the workplace, as an average, their
happiness goes down. So what’s going on there? When I say this, I’m
not saying, oh, women shouldn’t be in the workplace. I have three daughters. They all have jobs and careers. I’ve supported that completely. But they’re happy. Their stress levels are low. They’re educated to understand–
they have two parts. We all have two parts. The masculine side
is solving problems, releasing testosterone. If you’re a man, that
will lower your stress. But what lowers
stress for women? Well, this was a
huge breakthrough that happened in 2002 at UCLA. They discovered that the hormone
oxytocin, which is generally associated childbirth and female
orgasm, the hormone oxytocin is the hormone that
actually directly lowers stress for women. And without an abundance
of oxytocin in your body, your brain does not have
an off switch, which means when you have
problems, if a woman’s upset, she’s upset for days
and days and days. She’s still thinking about
this, thinking about this. I was just counseling a couple,
and they were in their 80s. And they haven’t seen
me in about a month, and she brings up an issue
that happened six weeks ago or a month ago. He says, I can’t believe she’s
still thinking about this. I said, you don’t understand. Women don’t have an off switch. They keep going around
and around and around. Now, how many women in this
room can relate to that? You’re not on camera, but
you can relate to that? I’m getting some nods. Can I get some arms up? Let me just see. They’ve actually put men
and women on computer scans when the sun sets, and what
happens for a man and a woman is very different. Unless there’s an emergency,
you say to the man and woman, you say, sit down and relax. And you put your brain
scans on to measure blood flow in the brain. And for the woman, as
soon as she sits down, blood flow increases
to the brain. Brain activity increases. You ask her, what
is she thinking? What is she thinking? She’s thinking
about all the things she needs to do that
she’s not doing it while she’s sitting
here on this couch. That’s her brain
going like this. You look at the man’s brain,
blood flow literally stops. It just goes back
here to where he can keep his body temperature
and breathing and so forth. And you ask him, what
are you thinking? And what does he say? Nothing. And if you didn’t have
that test, the woman says, you must be thinking
of something. You must be thinking
of something. And this is the difference. And so what’s going on
there, which I talked about in “Men Are from Mars” long
before all this research came about, I just observed it. Is that men
typically go to work. They’re solving
problems all day. They’re releasing
testosterone, particularly if a man is successful, which
means he feels confident, I know how to solve problems. So if I get in my car, and
I’m driving 100 miles an hour, if I feel like I’m in a good
car, and I’m a good driver, actually my stress
level goes down. How many men can relate to that? Of course. You’re doing something which
is extremely dangerous, by the way. Because if you were to let
go of the steering wheel, you would die. Or if a deer ran out in
front of your car, which you have no control
over, you would die. But your brain,
basically, you’re producing huge amounts of
testosterone, releasing it, and dopamine. Dopamine is the
brain chemical focus, so you’re going right into focus
zone because there’s danger. So dopamine and testosterone
go hand in hand. So your stress levels
are going down. So quite often, I noticed
that if I got in an argument with my wife, or something
was stressing me out, I’d want to go for
a drive in my car. And I would just drive a
little faster than usual, so I have to look front and
backwards for the police. And I would start to relax. Now, of course, if my
wife was in the car, that would raise her
stress levels hugely. So there’s huge differences
here in how we cope with stress. That’s just one little example. But, typically, what
I would see happening, what I still see happening,
which a lot of men don’t do now, and this is
part of my message to men, is that we would go to work,
and we would solve problems, and we’d come home from work,
and we’d forget problems. You have to realize,
for thousands of years, hundreds of
thousands of years– I’ve gone 18 times
around the world, been with indigenous
tribes around the world, when the sun sets,
the men sit around, because their job is
in the jungle doing what they do when
there’s sunshine. Now they’re sitting
around, or they’re a guard sitting around
doing nothing, as well. So they don’t move
when the sun sets. They actually need to relax. And when they relax, their
brain, in order to relax, their brain literally
has the ability to forget stressful messages. So the way men cope with
stress is you solve problems, and at the end of the day,
you forget your problems. And we have a shut off. We can turn them off. And when you turn off
your problems, you relax. And when you relax, your
body rebuilds testosterone. That’s how you
rebuild testosterone is to do anything a
woman would consider to be a complete waste of time. So he’ll come home from work. He’ll sit around, maybe watch
the news, sit on his computer, do something, play a
video game, anything. And she’s going, but we’ve
got this, and we’ve got this, and we’ve got this. And there’s this. And you forgot this. You’re not doing this. And she can’t
understand why he’s not attending to all those things. But he’s doing what he has to
do to cope with stress, which is to turn off all
responsibilities for a little me time. And she’s going, well, why does
he get me time, and I don’t? Because you can’t. You should be admiring that. You should be going, I
wish I could do that. And, of course, women, you
do subconsciously admire it. This is all the spa magazines,
all the upper level gold watch magazines. They always show some
beautiful spa resort place, and a woman is
sitting in meditation. And she seems to be so
beatifically calm and peaceful. You have no idea she’s
worrying about 50 things. But the illusion is that
she can turn off her brain and be completely
happy like that, which is an illusion
for women today. They can’t. But what this research in
1992 showed is how you can. And you can do it. The hormone that allows
you to relax is oxytocin. Oxytocin is stimulated
in a variety of ways. I’ve written whole
books on oxytocin, how to simulate it,
how you lose it, how you get in, and so forth. We’ll go a little
bit over it today. And with oxytocin, when a
women is giving love– OK, if you’re nurturing others,
if you’re caring about others, if you’re thinking about others,
if you’re helping others– basically, if you’re taking care
of your kids– because women, for thousands and
thousands of years, if you go to an
indigenous tribe, you’ll see the babies are
being born every year. Women are just pregnant
most of the time. They’re taking care of the kids. When the sun sets,
the men are all sitting around doing nothing,
sharpening their tools or whatever, telling stories,
or not talking at all. Women are completely busy. They’re nonstop action,
nonstop busy, busy, busy. But their stress levels
are dramatically low. What is lowering their stress? When you feel you’re
in an environment where there’s no time pressure. The number one inhibitor
of oxytocin production is feeling not enough time. The number one complaint
I hear from women today is not enough time. There’s too much to do, and
there’s not enough time. And when you feel, as a woman,
there’s not enough time for me to do what I’d like
to do, to do what I enjoy doing– it’s a huge,
perplexing thing for men when we see women say, I
have no time for me. He’ll take a deep breath and
go, how is that even possible? Because if a guy runs out of
time for me, he just takes it. But when a woman is
feeling stressed, your mechanism to
lower stress is to nurture others
and release oxytocin. Oxytocin, when you’re
giving to other people, caring for others, being
concerned for others, doing for others– not
necessarily solving problems– being in a social relationship,
listening to someone, helping them, whatever. It’s not so much solving
problems as nurturing. See, here’s the difference
between nurturing, which is oxytocin-releasing,
and problem solving is testosterone-producing. So my wife is a gardener. When she’s planting
her seeds, when she’s caring for her
seeds, that’s nurturing. When the irrigation
system is broken, and water is spurting up,
that’s solving a problem. So you see how solving a problem
is the illusion that I’ll solve it, and it’s done forever. And then, of course,
they come back. So men make great
emergency workers. A big problem comes,
I’m going to solve it. Then you feel like,
ah, now I can rest. Relax. Forget about that. But women are designed to
not forget about things. This is the big
complaint men have, is 30 years in– I’ll just
do a funny story here. My wife and I were in
the Galapagos Islands. You know, the Galapagos
turtles live long lives. There’s a T-shirt
they’re selling there, it’s these two old
turtles talking, and the husband’s saying to
the female turtle, honey, the affair was 97 years ago. Can we let it go? When she’s under stress,
all of her memories come up. See, this is how
women cope with stress is talking about what’s
stressing you out. So the memories come up. Men cope with stress by
forgetting those things. Forget it. Forget it. So a woman’s busy talking
about stressful things, and a man goes, just forget it. Don’t worry about it. It’s not a big deal. Just do this and this and this. Don’t take that exit next time. And the worst is the man will
listen to you complaining about your job, he’ll
say, just quit that job. You can get another job. As if you’re going to say,
gee, I hadn’t thought of that. What a brilliant idea. No wonder I’m married to you. You’re so smart. But, see, when a man hears a
problem, he wants to kill it. Basically, it’s run
from it or kill it. Solve it. Fix it. Because that releases
testosterone. Then he relaxes. For a woman, testosterone does
not lower her cortisol levels. It doesn’t raise them. It just doesn’t lower them. So what lowers stress levels
for women is oxytocin. Ah. So now when you’re in a
personal relationship, and you’re nurturing others,
you’re releasing your oxytocin. Your stress levels goes down. But guess what? Giving doesn’t
rebuild your oxytocin. What rebuilds oxytocin
so you have it to give is when you feel you’re
receiving support. So, for women, everything
is about reciprocity. It’s I give, and I get back. I give– if you’re my friend,
I do something for you, and now you’re obligated
to do something back. If we’re two girlfriends,
and I call you up, with the first thing
I’ll do is a woman is say, tell me about your kids. Or tell me about this. It’s like I remember
everything about you, and I ask lots of
questions, get you talking, and now you owe me five
minutes of listening. Women can’t believe when a
guy will talk about himself and then not ask her questions. It’s like, how can he
just talk about himself? And he’s over here thinking, why
does she have nothing to say? Because women eagerly ask
questions to draw somebody out because they so much
value being heard. See me, hear me, touch me. All of these things
are oxytocin producers. So that if you feel
seen and heard, and you feel backed
up, if you’re part of a team– and
this is women in tribes. Women have always
been in tribes. You go to indigenous cultures. They’re doing everything
together, all the time. And there’s never any
rushing, by the way. There’s a sense of support. It’s that you feel that you
have support at all times. It’s not like you need
that support all the time. It’s not I like you’re
this needy person. It’s just that you
always have backup. And so women, because
their instinct is always to be giving, because
giving releases oxytocin, and you have a rewards
system to make you feel good. Women are busy always
giving, but if it’s all women you’re working with,
all day long, everybody’s giving, so
everybody’s receiving. And suddenly, you take a
women and put them in hand with men, who don’t
live in that world. Or in a corporate environment,
it isn’t structured that way. See, the whole difference of
Mars world and Venus world, we have to blend them together. One is not bad. One’s not better. But to make sense of it,
you look at the two worlds. In the Mars world,
the strong survive. The better you are, the
bigger result you get. The harder you work, the smarter
you are, the bigger result. You get paid more. Gee, he didn’t get paid
much, but look what you did. You got more. At home, in the personal world,
the child who is the sickest gets more. They get more attention. They get more help. They get more support. And everybody gets
what they need. It’s not what you earn,
it’s what you need. But you don’t go into your
boss and say, you know, I really need that job. Your chances of
getting it go down. It’s like, I’ve
earned this role. Look what I’ve done. I do this and this and this. Therefore, I should
get this reward. These are two different
worlds of thinking that blend together, and this
is the male female relationship, which is a new experiment
on planet Earth. If you go to any the
indigenous tribes– we’re talking thousands and
thousands of years of history. Go visit in Africa, you’ll
see two fires at night. Women around one,
men around another. Go to the Amazon. I was just in your
Google Maps area where you can see
the whole world, and I was going all
these places I’ve been. Go down to the Amazon. Go to the Amazon. You’ll see, at night,
men are sitting around. Women are behind a
wall, and they’re all busy with the children and
cooking and cleaning and making alcoholic beverages
to give to the men. How do they make those
alcoholic beverages? Just little trivia here. They chew these roots. They masticate them,
chew them, and spit them into this bowl with a
little heat under it. And if they go for
three or four days, it becomes very alcoholic. So the men are all
just sitting around. The women come out
with their bowls occasionally and hand
it to their husbands. And there I am with the
chief, so the chief’s wife gave me his bowl. It was this big on–
just tasted terrible. That chief, by the
way, [INAUDIBLE] chief, he was also very proud of
his seven shrunken heads. They do exist. And through my two translators
asking him, why do you do that? He says, oh, very clear. I have seven children. I said, well,
explain that to me. He says, well, the jungle
only has so much food, and you can only get so much
from your grocery store. And if you’re going to bring
a child into this world, you have to eliminate somebody
from a neighboring tribe. Otherwise, there will
be a shortage of food. That was their
sustainability program. I think we’ve come a long way. It’s tribal thinking versus
global consciousness. Now we’re moving
into the world where if I hurt someone out
there, I’m hurting myself. And the history of
tribal consciousness is I don’t care about them. I care about my children. That’s a mafia family. Mafia fathers are very
loving to their kids as long as they say yes,
but not to anybody else. So this, we’re trying
to get out to see, and that’s the experience
of the heart opening. And, ultimately, this happens
through this great experiment of romance, men and
women coming together in romantic relationships. You seek out, you find someone
that your heart opens to. And can you keep your heart
open to the same person who’s not perfect? Say, for the first
three years, it seems as though they’re perfect,
and then reality sets in. And reality sets in because
when you meet someone new, and there’s sexual
attraction, your brain produces massive
amounts of dopamine. How many are familiar
with the term dopamine? That’s when you’re
driving your car fast. That’s when you’re really
focused on a project. That’s when you’re
getting a reward. That’s when there’s danger. That’s when there’s sex. That’s when you’re doing–
any addictive substances goes into the nucleus
accumbens, where dopamine produces lots of pleasure. So anything that’s pleasurable
for you is producing dopamine. So in the first
three years, one of the major dopamine
simulators is newness. Newness stimulates dopamine. Now, what is the
opposite of newness? Not newness. And what happens
after three years? It’s not new. And then to make
things worse, when you have an argument, what
does she generally do? She brings up the past. So there’s definitely not new. It’s the worst thing
couples can do. And I’m not putting it on
her, because she’ll start it, but then he’ll come
back, and now he’ll start going into the past, too. And now you’re both
living in the past. As soon as you can’t
be in present time, dopamine levels start
decreasing, decreasing, decreasing. All that passion you
felt in the beginning dissipates after
three years unless you have relationship skills. You have to understand
the software. With so many of
you into software– that’s how I got into this
whole relationship thing. I used to work as
a programmer back in the days of Stanford
Research Institute and COBOL. So I used to program
the computers. At a certain point, I realized
I should program people. So I had that very
analytical perspective that men are like this,
women are like this. If we do this, then this. If we do this, then that. And we can see it predictively. A man comes home– he
doesn’t know anything about men and women
differences– he says, hi, honey. And he goes and sits
down and reads a book. And she’s going, is that it? He used to be excited to see me. Matter of fact, what she’ll do
if they’re married in a house is he comes home,
she’ll test them. She’ll go to another part
of the house and wonder, does he even miss me? Does he care about me? She’s playing hide ad seek,
Venusian hide and seek. I’m hiding, and you’re
supposed to find me. So she’s going, I could be
dead, and he wouldn’t even care. And he’s from Mars– he has
his own little hide and seek. Men come home– he
goes, she’s not around. Good. He just wants to be alone, no
interference, nobody calling on, nobody asking for anything. Just give me a
break for a while. So he’s playing
hide and go seek, but the rules are,
don’t find me. He doesn’t want to be found. She wants to be found. Men solve problems to feel
better and then forget them. The easiest way to solve
a problem is forget it. Manana. Tomorrow. I don’t have to
deal with it now. And that’s what we’re
trying to help you with, but it doesn’t work for her. And she’ll be
talking about things and just blows him
out of the water. He goes, oh, my gosh. I’ll make $1 million on a book. We’ll be doing a bunch
of fun stuff together. I’ll come home one
day a week later, and I’ll leave a glass
out on the counter. And she’ll lose it
and go, ugh, is it that hard to put your
glass this far over to here and put in the dishwasher? I mean, can’t you at
least put it there? And I’m like, what is
she, nuts or something? We’re, like, the luckiest
people in the world. We’re having an argument over
a glass, which is right here? How could she do that? But when you understand
her world– and part of the craziness,
from my perspective, is two days before,
it was a big bunch of all these dishes
were everywhere. It was piling up and piling up. It was some party
we had, and nothing had been done for a couple days. So she had spent much
of the day cleaning up. So it was completely clear–
so you have to imagine this. You’ve been living
with trash, and women see this 10 times more than men. They actually have more
cells in their eyes. They see it. They can’t ignore it. Guy comes home. He sees his TV set. That’s it. Doesn’t see anything. She sees everything,
and it’s hard to relax if it’s not in order, organized. So here it is. It’s been cleaned up. She spent all day
cleaning it up. And from her point,
can’t there just be a moment where it
stays so pretty and nice? So it just triggered a button. She had an emotional reaction. And when women have
emotional reactions, see, men think that that
emotional reaction is just about the glass. But it’s never about just the
first thing she talks about. That’s just the warm up. That’s the foreplay for the
big story that’s about to come. She’s got all kinds of
things that are bothering her that have been building up. It’s like, for women,
it’s like the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Women hold this stress up,
this stress up, this stress up. And finally something happens,
and it starts to come out. And when it comes out, a
guy thinks you’re nuts. But here’s a way to help, ,
again interpret each other correctly. She’s not nuts at all. It’s just that she
has a greater need to talk about what’s
bothering her. Men have a greater need to
forget what’s bothering them. So our job is to
forget about it. Her job is to talk about it. So here’s a little difference. We come into some physiology. The emotional part
of the brain called the limbic system is twice
as big in a woman than a man. Big difference. Twice as big. Under moderate stress, a woman
will experience eight times more blood flow to the
emotional part of the brain. Under moderate stress. Under extreme stress, a man
will experience that blood flow, but the problem has
to be really big. Women will experience
an emotional reaction to small problems. And so a man misinterprets
her emotional reaction as if she’s saying
the problem is big, and she doesn’t know
what to do about it. So we’re constantly seeing
women, when they get emotional, it’s like, what, she
can’t handle that? She’s not saying, I
can’t handle that. She’s just having an
emotional response to it as a way to let go of stress. And man’s way to
let go stress is to detach, to separate
from his emotions. And you can see
this in brain scans. The amygdala in
a man is wired up to go right to the part of
the brain– fight or flight is the amygdala– into
solving the problem. You know what Freud
did– it totally different from modern therapy. 90% of the people who see
modern therapists are women. Why? It’s changed. It’s eye contact. It’s how do you feel? How do you feel? What else do you feel? What else happened? How does that make you feel? It’s all this personal
nurturing interaction. Freud did none of that. He had mostly men. You go into a dark room
where you had no eye contact. You lie down on a couch,
which every man loves to do. He’d sit behind you, and all
he would do is take notes. He’d ask you questions. And you would solve problems. Why do you think this? And why you think that? And why do you think this? He could have just been saying,
and what is 23 times 17? And you would have to
calculate these problems. Just solving problems and
relaxing lowers a man’s stress. It wasn’t some
big, magical thing. But for women, it did nothing. So, gradually, it
evolved for women. And usually it was
just very wealthy men they did therapy, because
once you’re a man, and you have lots of
wealth, you go crazy. Why? And by crazy, I mean, look
at the “National Enquirer” and see all the wealthy
superstar people. They get divorced. They have battles. They take drugs. They’re going through rehab. What’s going on is that they
don’t have to work anymore. These are men who
don’t have to work, so they get to do
what they like to do. When you do what you like to
do, oxytocin gets produced. Oxytocin doesn’t
lower stress in men. Doing anything that
women like to do does not lower stress in men. That’s why in the
beginning, men are so happy to do things with you. And after a while, they’re
ready to sit on the couch. And what you’ll say
to them things like, hey, what would you like to do? He’ll say, I’d like to just
sit here and have you make me dinner. Or you might want to go
out to dinner tonight, and you say to him,
hey, John, would you like to go out to
dinner tonight? And what does every woman
interpret that to mean? What she’s really
saying is, I’d like to go out to dinner tonight. Wouldn’t you like
to go out to dinner? Let’s go out to dinner tonight. But she doesn’t say that. She says, hey,
John, would you like to go out to dinner tonight? If he’s not initiated into
the Venusian language– which is very convoluted and
changing all the time, depending on her
mood– would you like to go out to
dinner tonight? No, I’d rather just stay home. You could make me this dinner. Because he actually
thinks you’re asking what he’d like to do. The flip side of this is
Friday night comes along. And this is where we have
this experiment of romance. Marriage is based upon love
and affection and romance, which is magnificent. I’ve been married
to my wife 28 years. To experience passion with
somebody that you know, it’s like a
miraculous experience. Very few people have
ever experienced it. They have to have somebody
new, somebody different. To actually experience passion
with somebody you know. It was like seven
years into our marriage is when I woke up to
how great my life was. Not that I wasn’t
having a good time, but making love with my
wife, it was fireworks. It was spectacular. It was one of those times
where, afterward, you just laugh at how
fantastic it was. And I said to her,
wow, that was as good as it was in the beginning. And she goes, oh,
that was better. I said, what do you mean? She says, well, in the
beginning, the sex was great, but you didn’t really know me. Now, you’ve seen the
best of me, and you’ve seen the worst of me, and
you still love and adore me. That’s real love. That’s real love. In the beginning, its a
glimpse of what it feels like. It’s the brain
chemicals of love. But you don’t even know
who you’re reacting to. It’s mostly fantasy. In order to keep
your heart open, we need to have these advanced
communication insights. Because what do you do? If a guy needs to
go to his cave– one of the big insights
of “Men Are from Mars”– now it’s pretty much
gone into the culture. Man cave. He needs his man cave. He goes to his man cave, except
men typically don’t come out. So I teach women how to bring
him out of the man cave. He’s got to have
that, but he also needs a little
incentive to come out. If you say to him, what would
you like for dinner tonight, or what would you like to do? He’ll say, just
sit in my man cave and continue doing what I’m
doing, as opposed to you have to know what you’d
like, what you want, learning how to ask for support. These are all like new skills. Women have never had
to do that in the past. And for thousands and
thousands of years in indigenous cultures, women
don’t ask men for anything. They don’t even talk to men. Men learned a man’s
role from his father. Women learned to do from mother. That was it. There’s very little
connection and communication. So it’s learning to take
the time that we need. And for men, it’s
often alone time, and for women, it’s
connection time. If you want to keep the
connection open with a man, and you want to keep
him connected to you, your role is to, in a
sense, draw him out. And one of the best
metaphors for this is when I was going to
places in indigenous India. You go to these temples that
are 5,000-year-old temple, and you’ll see all
around the temple, men are sitting in meditation,
not the women at the spa. Men are all sitting in
meditation, because they can more quickly–
it’s not automatic, but a man has the ability
to shut the world out, and that is the most
powerful way for him to rebuild his testosterone
and regenerate his body. So men are all
meditating at the temple, and women are all dancing
around naked with little bells in their waist. And their job? To get men out of meditation. You’re supposed to draw
us out of the cave. Their whole mythology
is Shiva would meditate 10,000 years or a million
years or whatever, and his wife has to dance
around him until finally they make love and create the world. But it’s the woman
that draws the man out. And women today, they don’t even
care about drawing the man out. They just like going
on with their life, and then they misinterpret
he’s sitting in his cave. What you start to think is,
well, he doesn’t love me. He didn’t used to go
to the cave before. And that’s because he had the
newness in the relationship that would produce huge
amounts of dopamine, and then that
produces testosterone, so he wasn’t needing
to rebuild it as much. So now you’re in
the relationship. He’s taking more time away. He doesn’t have that
same attraction to you he had before. He’s starting to pull away. And women go, oh, I
have to get it back. I have to get back. And you run after him,
and he runs away more. That was one of the big
themes in “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus” is
men are like rubber bands. They want to get close to
you, and then they pull out. When they pull out, like a
rubber band, they stretch. And when it reaches its length
of how much space do I need, then he springs back, and he
falls in love with you again. And then he pulls
away– he misses you– and he springs back. Now, I’m going to go on
a trip to China next week or so for three weeks. I haven’t been away from my wife
in eight years for three weeks. But what I know is I’ll
have the best sex of my life when I come home. That other time I was on
a tour for three weeks, and it was the best
sex of my life then. Why? Because I have pulled back. And when I pull back, I
have a chance to miss her. I have a chance to
rebuild my focus on her. I have a chance for my
testosterone levels to rise. And when I come back, it
will just be super stud land. I’m really looking
forward to it much more than how much I’m getting
paid, which is a lot as well. But that is really
an exciting thing. So when men pull away, they
spring back like a rubber band. And then once they’re in,
the rubber band gets soft. It’s just a metaphor for sex. Imagine a man just
went in and stayed. You’d be wanting
to push him away. He pulls out. He goes in. He pulls out. He goes in. It’s that dance of coming
closer, pulling apart. And that’s his role to
go in and pull back. He has the hormones for it. Testosterone is the
in and out urge. This is testosterone. When women don’t understand
the hormonal differences between men, when he pulls
away, what do you do? You run after him. And so if you’re
running after him, does that rubber band
ever get to stretch? And how do you run after him? I go into all the details
in the books, but you say, what’s the matter? Is there something wrong? Or let me do something for you. Or let’s do this together. Or what would you like to do? And now you’re
concerned about him. When he pulls away,
that’s when you have to come back to being
self-sufficient, self-reliant. I have a life, and you’re
lucky to be part of it. If you can stand in your
place without getting insecure and running after
him, that causes him to want to come back. Because, see, men really
need women to be happier. We can only get to a
certain level of happiness. Then we have to be able to
make a woman happy to take us to a higher level. The illusion we
all have as men– we get caught in this
trap– is that we think we can make her happy. You can’t make a woman happy. You can only make
a woman happier. You’re not responsible
for her happiness. Because in the beginning,
all that newness stimulates huge
amounts of dopamine, just like winning the
lottery, just like superhero. That’s why they
call heroin, heroin. You get to be a hero and
sit down and do nothing. It makes you feel like a hero. A woman makes you feel like a
hero, makes you feel fantastic. Look what I did. She’s so happy. The problem is,
when you take credit for all of her happiness,
when she’s not happy, look what you feel. You feel like you’ve failed. You shut down. You get bent out of shape. You get pouty. You get feminine. See, what people
don’t understand is this feminization
of men is when men become all
negative emotions. If you’re in your
masculine side, you have healthy testosterone,
you don’t get afraid. You don’t get angry. You don’t cry unless the
problem is really big, and there’s nothing you can do
about it, like grieving a loss. There’s places for feelings
but not in arguments. Men used to be taught
this stuff, how to endure pain without
talking about it. In initiation for
an American Indian, they’d stick sticks
through the breast in front of the whole
village at 13 years old. They’d tie ropes to it
and slowly raise you. Throw the rope over a limb,
slowly raise you in the air, and you hang there
the whole day. And you’re not
allowed to cry out. You have to learn to
deal with that pain. You have to contain
it inside yourself. And now do we need
these initiations today? No. We have a more
advanced initiation. Try listening to your wife
without saying anything for 10 minutes. Without reacting back. See, you have to
learn as men how to contain the
female side of you inside and not become
a female and start whining and complaining back. This destroys marriages. A woman will complain. A man has 10 more back. He says, I can beat that. I’m a man. I got testosterone. I can do more. And now you get this little
tit for tat argument. Nobody’s taught men today. You don’t do that. That’s not what men do. What women need most
is to feel heard, and then a magic trick happens. She feels better, and
nothing has changed. This is like a revelation. I have women coming into
my office so unhappy, and when they leave,
they’re so happy. And after a while,
I point out, do you realize that you come
to my office unhappy, and you leave happy,
and nothing has changed? Nothing has changed
in your life. It’s all inside ourselves
how we look at the world. As a couple, men can learn
how to support a woman. Women can learn how to
receive that support. That’s the whole new
dance, is women learning, how do I motivate him to
give me the support I need? Because he wants to do it,
but it’s very hard to start. When he goes to his
cave, you misinterpret, thinking, he must not love me. So how can you go
and ask for support to somebody you think
doesn’t love you? Or ask for help
around the house? Women need way more help. How can you ask? You look at him with
eyes of resentment. Aren’t you helping? Aren’t you joining in? Why aren’t you helping me? Well, he needs a
job description, and he needs to be paid. Paid is your happiness. So let’s say you need
him to do something. Would you move that box? And it’s the third
time you’ve asked him. He moves the box,
and you glare at him, like, finally you did it. As opposed to, oh,
you moved the box. Then, next, you’re training
him to do little things to make you happy. Because in a man’s
mind, big things make you happy,
not little things. He’s dating you. He’s only doing little stuff. And he figures if little
stuff makes you happy, wait until I do the big
stuff like commitment, and marriage, or
sharing my income. That’s the big stuff. Then I don’t need to
do the little stuff. But it’s the little
stuff that actually generates the oxytocin. So if I give one
rose to a woman, she gets a surge of oxytocin. If I give her 24 roses, in
my mind, that’s at least 24 surges, right? No. It’s just the same surge. So think of it in
terms of points. In a man’s mind, I’m giving
her 24 roses, 36 roses. That 36 points. That should last
me half the year. It’s one point. And why are roses so
symbolic of romance? Because they die in a week. You have to keep nurturing it. You have to keep nurturing it. So once men
understand this stuff, women are not so complicated. It’s easier to make
the relationship work. But it is an art. It is like learning
a new program. It’s a new system. And once you learn the new
system, it’s really easy. But when you turn
over to a new system, it’s really hard for a while. That’s what we’re going
through right now. So we have about 10 minutes
for questions and answers. I see one right over here. Go right ahead. AUDIENCE: [INAUDIBLE]? JOHN GRAY: OK. So you’d like to know how women
sabotage communication at work? Because that is probably
one of the things that I write about
in “Work with Me.” I have 10 minutes to
talk, so I’ll give you one way women sabotage
communication at work is they simply use the phrase,
Bob, could you do this for me? And Bob will say, sure,
and then forget to do it. And you’ll think,
how could he forget? And this is something you
experiment with this week. Instead of using,
could you do this? Can you do this? Say, Bob, would
you do this for me? And you’ll see he will
remember to do it. It’s linguistics. If you say would, a man
feels he’s making a promise. If you say, could you do it? Yeah, I could do it. It doesn’t even go into the
front part of his brain. It literally doesn’t go there. The next one, another way is not
giving enough feedback to a man that you value him. Because women just assume that
if you’re interacting with him, he must feel valued. So one of the ways a woman
can communicate value to man, that you value
him– three phrases. You start doing this
this week, you’ll see a huge difference in
the men you work with. He’s talking. When he pauses, say,
that makes sense. And just brighten up,
like, that makes sense. You’ll see. He’ll take a double take. What did I say? Somebody acknowledged
I make sense. That makes sense. Another one is, with a little
female enthusiasm, good idea. You’ll see his
mood will changed. And at least a couple times
a week, go, brilliant. He says, yes, yes. What else can I do for you? Now, I know the flip side of
this– how do men sabotage? Well, I’ll do a
couple on men, which is how men could sabotage
relationships in the workplace. Same thing at home, which
is, ask more questions. Whenever you think you’re ready
to give a solution or a point of view, ask another question. If you show interest in
a woman’s point of view, you start building
a bond of trust, as opposed to just
being interested in solving the problem. Men are just interested
in solving the problem. But if you can just
ask another question, it take your interest
into her point of view if a man can ask
that extra question. Here is the next one, as a
male manager, particularly, but working on a
team with women. When there’s a problem, and a
woman’s presenting the problem, don’t immediately give what
you think is the answer. Instead, pause, and
say to her, and what do you think we
should do about this? And listen to her answer. Because so much of
the time, men just– if you talk about a
problem, men jump in there with 30 times more
testosterone, which gives you faster reaction time. I got the answer! I’ll solve that problem. And he doesn’t realize that
you have the answer, too. So you’re sabotaging
your success by not letting him know
you have an answer– that would be another topic on
how women sabotage– but men sabotage building trust
and a sense of cooperation when they’re working with women
by jumping in with solutions, rather than asking a
few questions first. But, for men, it’s like
playing basketball. I want to grab the ball
and dunk it myself. Women are all, on
a certain level, let’s all take turns, and
let’s all take credit together. We’re a team. We did it all ourselves. And a man’s over
here, but I did this. Anyway, a lot on that. That’s from the
book “Work with Me.” Well, I’m asking
the question where you hear I mentioned I
had a study of 100,000 men and women that we
took their evidence right from the book, which is
another one of the blind spots was the number one
complaint women have– we asked this question, it
just happened to be the highest one– is, do you experience
that men listen to you? And over 70% of women
said men don’t listen. They asked the men, do
men listen to women? And 90% of the men
said, of course. So in his world, he’s
listening, but in her world, she doesn’t feel heard. That’s a gap. And, yes, we’ve done
the research on that. I did that book
just because people would say what you just said. Well, where’s your
research on this? I probably talked to more
people about relationships than anybody in history,
than the whole planet history of the world. That’s all I do
is talk to people about relationship experiences. Not in a scientific study
with 18 men and women, with thousands of people, with
50 people, again and again and again. And what I see is these themes. But I wrote that
book just so people who like to look at the digits
could actually see the digits and how many women truly see the
world through different eyes. But I appreciate the comment. It’s a force that
we have to overcome, because there’s a
huge force which wants to say we should
all be the same. We should all think the same. We should all react the same. And if we can all
just become one, then the world will
be a better place. It will be fairer for people. It’ll be fairer for people. We’ll be able to
appreciate our differences, appreciate our
different strengths, and create room for
people to be different. That is what will make
this world a better place. Yeah, women have a lot more
adrenaline going on than men. What happens with
adrenaline is adrenaline is produced from dopamine. So I’ll give you an
example you can relate to. As a man, you’re driving a
car around 80 miles an hour, you feel very relaxed, right? Easy going. And then you hit it up– there’s
a certain point between 80 and 120 where most men will
start to feel the adrenaline. It’s like, rrrr. There’s like this
rrrr energy inside. That’s the shifting of dopamine,
which you’re confident, you’re capable, you’re online. That’s dopamine. Lots of testosterone
being produced. Now your concerns
start to increase. That a dropping of your
serotonin, your optimism. You’re starting to think
of what could go wrong. That’s serotonin dropping. So when your serotonin
levels start to drop, your dopamine converts
into adrenaline. And adrenaline gives you even
more ability to react fast, so you get spikes in
testosterone at that point, maybe 10 times more. But then you
deplete, so then you need more recovery
time afterwards. And this is all about how
much adrenaline gets produced. For women, your
vulnerability in your brain is that because your limbic
system is so much more active than men’s,
you tend to run out of serotonin much
faster than men. This is why women
have depression four times more than men. They run out of serotonin
faster under moderate stress as opposed to men. Canadian research
shows that men actually make serotonin 50%
more efficiently. That’s because we
have more muscle mass. Men store 50% more of residue
serotonin, which is probably an evolutionary development,
because you’re in danger. Your life is in
danger, and you have to stay cool,
calm, and collected to prevent your dopamine from
converting into adrenaline. But adrenaline, particularly,
once you feel adrenalin, as a man, you really need to
physically move your body. If you don’t burn
the adrenalin off through physical movement of
the muscles, then what occurs is cortisol levels
will start to rise. And cortisol levels don’t
go away very quickly. Adrenaline can
burn off like that. But once your cortisol levels
rise, it’s sort of a slow rise, and it stays in there. It’s the worst thing
for your health. Cortisol inhibits digestion,
inhibits your immune system, inhibits your detoxification
system, causes brain injury. All those things
are directly related to chronically elevated
cortisol levels. And this is the world that’s
happening for women today. So women’s health issues
are dropping down. More women have heart
attacks than men today. And this can all
be remedied– not by saying women should be home. It’s by saying women should have
a balanced personal life where they schedule their
lives so that they’re doing their testosterone
stimulating activities balanced by personal, fulfilling, home
experiences in a personal life to balance the work life. And it’s understanding
all those dynamics of what creates
oxytocin in your body because our world has become
way too testosterone oriented. And ultimately, for men, love is
very important to men, as well. And if he comes home, and
a woman can’t be loving, then you get a man who
doesn’t come out of his cave. So there’s a huge
balance and upset. So many of the problems
we experience today with all of the mass shootings
and all that stuff that’s going on. We see the kids going
and shooting people. These kids are always
on antidepressants or antipsychotics. They’re always on drugs. Since we started using
drugs for mental illness, there’s now, since 1980, 35
times more mental illness in America. 35 times more. People, once they start taking
medications, don’t go off. They do not heal the brain. They change the brain, and
the brain– the problem goes worse and worse. That whole story is written
in my most recent book, which you can all get a
free– for right now– free pre-publication
copy, just doing a free download
at It’s called the “Mars Venus
Wellness Solution for Focus,” So focus is– the
challenge for our children today is one out of five
boys with ADHD being drugged. And what parents
don’t realize is ADHD drugs cause stunted
growth for young children. They cause heart disease. Some of them are against
the law in Canada, because actually you get
heart attacks from it. But long before
heart attacks, you’re getting arteriosclerosis. It also causes
brain changes that don’t disappear as teenagers
but just turn into addictions to caffeine, addictions
to internet porn, and the inability to commit
to a long-term relationship. These are all the more adult
stages of ADD and ADHD. And in the new book, I
map at every stage of life how, when we get
ADHD as children, and what causes
it– which they all say we don’t know– we do know. It’s all there in
all the literature. I just quote PubMed again
and again, all the causes of ADHD, the rampant
imbalance today. And as we move through
stages of life, people don’t recognize
as your brain develops, ADHD turns into something else. One of the consistent
ingredients that goes along with ADHD in an autistic
child, Asperger’s child, ADHD child is dramatically low
glutathione levels in the body. Glutathione protects the
brain from brain energy or free radical damage. In all those cases, dramatically
low glutathione levels. Every person who has dementia
and Alzheimer’s– it is now predicted that one out of
three people over 70 will have dementia and Alzheimer’s. My younger sister
has Alzheimer’s. My older brother has
dementia and early stages of Alzheimer’s. This is becoming another
rampant epidemic in America. The cause is so clear. They keep saying we
don’t know the cause. Go right to the
physiology, and you’ll find that– I can’t go
into all the causes. That’s a whole other book–
but I talk about the causes. I talk about the remedies,
natural remedies. But natural remedies
don’t work if you don’t eliminate the causes. Say you have a
headache, and I actually have a natural pill that will
take away your headache– which I don’t, by the way–
but if I had a pill to give you to take
away your headache, but you keep hitting yourself
in the head with a hammer, will that pill work? No. But for people that
don’t hit themselves in the head with a
hammer, it will work. Well, there are 10,000 studies
on natural solutions for ADD and ADHD all over the place. They just don’t
work all the time, as drugs don’t work,
because people don’t know, how am I creating this every
day by my lifestyle choices and decisions? So, anyway, more on that
subject is at Just get a free
download of the book. For now, it’s free. Soon it will be on Amazon. You can order it and buy
it, but it’s an easy read. And, particularly, as a techie,
for some techie guys here– because they don’t realize that
they have huge amounts of ADD, because they think, I
have no problem focusing. I can focus on my
computer for 10 hours. And I remember talking to one
of the world’s experts on ADHD, and I looked at him, and I
said, you know, you have ADHD. He said, that’s ridiculous. I have total focus. I’m so focused, my
wife can talk to me, and I don’t hear a
word she says while I’m thinking about something. That’s also ADHD. That’s a problem
with attention where you can’t shift
your attention here, but you become overly
focused on one thing. And I’ll finished
my talk by talking about how ADD is creating
huge problems in relationships today, is that it causes
men to become hyperfocused on one thing. In the beginning, they can
be hyperfocused on her, but once the newness
goes away, he becomes hyperfocused
on his work, and he doesn’t take the time
to rebuild his testosterone. The average for a man at 50 has
half the testosterone levels he had as a younger man. I have 25% more. And I know exactly how I did it. I explain it in my books, so
I’ll live a long, healthy life. This is why men die, is
their testosterone levels start dropping. Dopamine levels drop. But, anyway, focus– for men,
they become hyperfocused. And for women, they become
hyperfocused on the things that would, theoretically, release
oxytocin– other people’s needs. So they’re overwhelmed. So overwhelm, the adult symptom
of ADHD, is so common in women, it’s unbelievable. It’s like, I have
no time for me. I have to do this
for this person. Who says? It’s your brain taking
on more than you can do. This is ADHD. And it can be corrected. These are simple solutions
for all these things. I have people writing
it to me, it’s like, my child is now
taking your vitamin C and grapeseed extract
that you recommended, and he suddenly changed. And he says, Daddy, I like this
so much more than the medicine. This makes me feel so good. Just simple anti-inflammatories
for the brain rather than taking a drug
that does not cure anything, nor do they claim
to cure anything. It only creates more of the
same problem that caused ADHD in the first place, very
similar to any drug addiction. Anyway, you’ve been a great
audience here at Google. Thanks for inviting me,
and thanks for the great work that you do. Appreciate it.


  1. I was falling in love with @John Gray and what he was saying about relationships was really resonating with me, then kind of suddenly at 57:50 he started to sounding a little Alex Jonesy when he went on a tangent about mass-shootings, antidepressants and ADHD.

    I'd have to have a closer look at his arguments on the topic and the evidence he's aggregated before really making a judgement, but it really feels like he's going out on a limb there blaming ADD on lack of glutathione and implying it can be "cured" with "natural remedies" like vitamin C and grape seed extract.

    That being said, I'd still say his advice on relationships is worth listening to.

  2. Nothing like pseudo science and stereotypes to perpetuate myths. Maybe he could google those terms. I enjoy working in IT and I enjoy working with introverts as I too am one. I am also a wife and mother. What works for individuals is what works for them. BTW I'm pretty sure there is a fair amount of problem solving that goes on in traditional female roles too.

  3. Ok… Let's get this straight: According to John, women need to make sure they don't sabatoge relationships at work and at home. They need to be nurturing. Problem solving doesn't come naturally to them and actually stresses them out. They need to let their man isolate himself and not try to "interfere with his testosterone restoration process," their own well being and needs be damned. Their "Venution language is convoluted and illogical…" – I could go on. John says some insightful things about both sexes, sure, but they are hidden under piles of sexism… blatant sexism. In John's perfect world, a woman lets a man do, think, act, and be however he wants while her needs are fulfilled by "nurturing him." In this world, a man comes home from work and his wife does too, she cleans the house and makes him dinner while he watches TV so he can "recharge his testosterone." This is apparently good for the man and the woman. Well, isn't that convenient?! As a man, I am ashamed to see him represent us this way. This is not equality.

  4. I'm amazed by the amount of negativity in the comments section. This guy is so insightful and the information is so practical, yet they just don't get it. It's as though their brain is in a jam and all they see is negative, negative, negative. Not enough vitamins in their brains. Need to eat more fresh vegies and fruit, people. If you eat crap and surround yourself with toxic chemicals, your brain don't work very well and you can't see and use the solutions when they're put right in front of you like this guy is doing.

  5. He says many things that are true but The thing about testosterone is bs. I work in the property management field and resolve hundreds of problems a day . I have been tested and my testosterone level is extremely low almost non existent . You need intelligence experience knowledge and communication to resolve most of problems . Testosterone has nothing to do with it .

  6. I love how you explain in layman terms so that the average person can understand. Being married for 30 years and still working at better communication. These truths have been around whether a person agrees or not. Great material!

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