Living with Depression

I remember people, and even
my parents and siblings, telling me, “You need to
just get up and shower. Find something you love doing. Go exercise. You know, find something
that can be your outlet.” And I remember feeling
like, “I can’t even get to the point of
finding something I like,” or “I literally
can’t get to the shower. That’s what I’m telling
you,” and just feeling, like, a blank stare back
at me, almost. I feel like, reading about the
Atonement and how the Atonement can wipe away our sins, it can
heal us from our sorrows–that I felt like my depression
should be connected to that. And I never wanted to
be medicated, ever. I didn’t want to
see a counselor. I didn’t want to be a
person on medicine for this. Eventually I went to the doctor,
and she kind of got my story, and she said, “There’s
all sorts of medications that we can try.” And I said, “I don’t want that.” I told her I didn’t
want to be on anything. And she asked me why,
what were my feelings, and I told her, “I feel
like the Savior should be able to take this away from me. I feel like my prayers
should be answered, that I don’t want this, and
that He should take it away.” And she just looked me
straight in the eye, and she kind of got
closer to me and she said, “Whoever said I’m not
the answer to your prayer?” And the Spirit
penetrated my heart and just said, “She’s right.” For a long time I
did feel ashamed. I felt ashamed that
I felt this way. I felt ashamed and
embarrassed that I had to talk to a counselor. I felt even more
ashamed and embarrassed that I would have to
be prescribed something to help me get over this. And I remember kneeling by my
bed and just asking the Savior, “Where have You been? Why weren’t You there in those
moments when I needed You?” I remember hearing, “Heather,
I was there all those moments,” and that the answer,
for me, wasn’t just that it was going
to be swept away, but that the doctors were
going to be able to help me. And today I’ve never
felt more like myself, and finding joy in my life,
and I still have emotions. I don’t feel numb inside. I still have days when it’s
hard and I’m sad, but I’m me, and I have found joy in life. It’s because of the Savior
that I have found peace in this and realized that there’s
nothing to be ashamed of.

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