This Is What It Feels Like To Be Depressed

This Is What It Feels Like To Be Depressed


(writing noises) (writing noises) – Dear depression, we go way back. I remember the first time I met you. I was seven years old, a
pig-tailed lover of books, teased for the sneakers my
mother could barely afford. The second time I met
you was at a house party where a stranger packed
himself into my mouth. It was the first time I
understand the word ugly. We met again when I learned I had lupus and found out my body now belonged to an incurable disease and again, when I was sad for the 49th day in a row. I begged you to go away,
but you would not leave. You, depression, are my childhood friend. The midnight voices in
my head, a slick tongue. You pretend to have the answers, but loving you got me sick, got me suicide-watched,
got me blue happy pills. Find the nearest ledge, you say. Walk out, you say. Suspend, you say. Wouldn’t I be happier dead? Yesterday, I cried enough to
name myself the sad girl again. Lonely has developed an authority where my thoughts are family. Always fussing about
the wrong I have done, about the pretty I’ve burned. What I learn of sadness is from you. You told me boys won’t love me, but a fastened rope can. You tell me lupus is incurable. Can’t have seven children, can’t be hospitalized
three times in one year, and call that killing. You, a contradiction, a house of lies. Sickness can do that. It can lie, it can claw. My sadness will not cease. It will not quiet, and I am afraid to die. I am afraid to die. Depression is a house of teeth. It will write you into
a story without rest. It will kin you, comb your mouth into a beautiful haunting and name it a vacant wilderness. But dare yourself, extraordinary human, to run into joy screaming, “you cannot have me.” You cannot have me. I am not my past. I am worthy of love, I am worthy. I am forgiving myself for
not being strong enough to believe in myself. I can tell you, I do not
know who my father is. I can tell you, a best
friend’s father molested me. I can tell you the number of men I let crawl into my body, but I would rather tell
you I am letting go. I am letting failure go. I am letting loneliness go. I will not give up. You will not silence me. Sincerely, Tanya. (music)

100 comments

  1. i have no idea if im depressed or sad, i thought that i am just sad since i'm just 12 yrs o/. But after watching this, i know that i am now

  2. I am so blessed to not be dealing with a mental issue as horrid as depression. My heart goes out to anyone battling depression. Stay strong! 💕

  3. Sometimes I will be walking bare foot on some hot pavement at the waterpark and my first thought is something like "oww" or "get some shoes girl" but now I tell myself that the pain is good and that I deserve to feel the pain.

  4. Nothing has happened to make me feel this way. But I do. And I don’t know what it is and I don’t want to self diagnose. So I’m not going to say it’s depression, but I feel lonely in a room full of people. I feel sad and fake my happiness because I don’t want anyone to worry about me. I cry every single day but have learned to do it silently so nobody will notice I’m upset. I hate myself so so so much. I want to die but I’m afraid. I forgot how it feels to be genuinely happy. I don’t feel like I’m here. I feel like I’m observing everything but like I’m not actually there. I feel numb. I’ve cut. I know I shouldn’t feel this way because this is different than just feeling sad. I can’t find a way to tell my mom because everytime I practice how I’m going to tell her I start crying. This has been going on for several months…and I don’t know what it is.

  5. I wanna die to end the pain but, me committing suicide is just gonna pass the pain to someone else…
    I'm terrified to live but, scared to die…

  6. Why is it always blaming on something invisible rather than people be ignorant whys it always us with the diagnosis that has to a knowledge and not the ignorant ones whether they be random or more hurtfully friends and even family members I don’t think I want to kill myself but I keep wondering do I have to go on misunderstood or will killing myself be the only way for me to show them I wasn’t truelly happy how things were left

  7. Have you ever felt that you dont want to be happy again because you are used to be sad and being happy is such a weird/unwanted thing?

  8. Don't let your past define your future Depression does sound super tough likes rocks falling on you. I never had it but when you get help those rocks go on the floor. Step on it! When your better forget about what happened to you. Your to good for depression. Your to good for what got you depressed. Do me a favour, remember that. Please :p

  9. I tried to explain my mom my deppression and anxiety but it's hard to explain it to someone who doesn't know anything about it she just thinks I'm lazy but I'm just broken inside I hide all of my tears she never sees my crying no one really understands how I feel I sometimes wish I was never even born I hate everyone.

  10. i've had depression for about 8 months now. I was sexually abused when I was 10. The boy who did it moved afterwards. It grew when my grandma died on thanksgiving. At my camp i was harassed for many things. I've had suicidal thoughts but I feel to scared to die. This has helped me and I re watch it when I feel to sad to move.

  11. I just wanna talk to someone but I don’t know how to talk sometimes I go in bathroom and just think it would be so much more peaceful but I love so many people. 😞

  12. I don't feel happy, but I am very scared to show that I'm sad. I don't wanna cry because I'm scared. I've been told to stop crying and I'm just a pitiful little girl who can't appreciate nothing. To shut up, and I shouldn't even be crying. A annoying child. A brat. Nobody's around me, but somehow I'm scared to cry. So very scared. I love myself though. I've realized it's OK to cry! ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

  13. If you guys have suicide thoughts PLEASE don't let the devil win! He's laughing behind your back and wants to tell you things that are bad and not true so stand up and show him that you won't let the evil win. I had depression too and it was horrible but I realized that everything happens for a reason and that time made me to a more friendly, ambitious (? Sry English hella bad) positive girl. Find your way to God and even if u don't believe in him just read a book or listen to a testimony. Trust me it will help you

  14. I have anxiety about me dying i have panic attacks all the time and they are always at the wrong time in the wrong place. i just want it to go away

  15. The worst thing is wanting to die but being to scared to do it, sometimes im too scared to be happy or sad, sometimes it’s like someone telling me to kill myself or cut and I try but than I get too scared…..

  16. Depression and its negative voices have been exposed! Many people don't understand that depression is an eye that sees negativity even in the most positive situations.

    https://youtu.be/YLCBTeREzt4
    Please check out my depression awareness poem. It is a source of hope and a source of light at the end of the tunnel. You should feel better after watching.

  17. This made me cry so hard because I feel the same and at a very young age this makes me feel useless
    This is the best advice so far and I appreciate her for moving on
    She is surely special and is blessed with the opportunity to talk loudly clearly and proudly about this

  18. Want to know what's the surprising part in my life?

    I started having depression when i was in 3rd Grade (8-9 Years Old)
    And i started cutting, it doesn't hurt at all. Or am i just numb?

  19. Try not to give in, coming from a person bed ridden and slowly dying, don’t give in. If I haven’t then you can’t either, revel in your happy moments. Don’t let depression win, you are beautiful, you are needed and you are worth it. You always will be and you always were.. this isn’t the end. 💞 to myself.

  20. I know I am very late to this video. But I just read through some of the comments… I always thought no one could perfectly relate in detailed ways. But SO many people were relatable. Also to anyone who gets suicide thoughts, life is worth it. What you go through every day can stop. Tell people about your disorder. DO NOT hide it even though you want to. If you need help, don’t be scared to admit it. We all go through something in life that is rough. You will be okay. Life is so worth it when you find the right path. If you feel lost, get involved in activities! Do something with your life, rather than sitting around and worrying. Even though maybe 1 person will see this late comment, I hope it helps someone.

  21. but I fake smile through my pain
    But I want to break free
    But I can’t beacause
    I can’t break free
    But when I told my mom
    It was a good and amazing feeling
    To just…let…go!!🖤-❤️

  22. Anyone who's thinking of committing suicide, seek help. The depression you are having is only temporary it will only go on for so long, Ending your life isn't getting rid of the pain it's passing the pain onto someone else.

  23. Its a syncronised feeling what they use in politics. By airwaves they can Influence attraction& repulsion depended on what political views you have. Everybody has Zones in THE Brain that regulates by synapsis. Its just mind tricks that can make you feel High as a mountain or low as THE Challenger depth. In between THE buttocks are Always THE warmest part even on Jennifer Lopez.

  24. I’m not afraid to die, but the only problem is that my parents and brother would be devastated if I did. And so, I’m trapped here.

  25. Dear depression,
    It's not fair. I have a perfect life but I am unhappy. I have good grades but I am not satisfied. I have great friends and family but I push them away, I never open up. It's not fair that I have no reason to be depressed. All I ask is to have a valid reason to feel this way. But I don't. So I'll just have to go on crying for no reason and falling asleep while thinking of the best way to commit suicide.
    Sincerely Scarlet.

  26. Everything that this woman is saying is 100% true and accurate and it sucks having depression it never goes away and it's always there mocking you !

  27. I am not afraid

    I am afraid

    I am not alone

    I am lonely

    I am alive

    I am dying

    This is the truth that I live every day. Help

  28. Depression is a bad thing depression will be you're best friend in till you learn to let go and to be you're self and love yourself and to like life and not to worry because tomorrow is a new day and dear depression bring it on

  29. Watching this and watching "I'll be there " by Walk off the earth… my mental health is more of a toxin most days. Music has been of help to me, and I would encourage others to look to music to help. Music, small critters, warm drinks, talking a walk, whatever makes you feel peaceful. I will get better…. you will be ok..

  30. In the first few months of depression, the pain felt raw and new. But after a year, it’s happiness that’s new.

  31. I got depression when I was about 7 and I got diagnosed when I was 10. Mama and Daddy got divorced when I was 3. 3! I also have really, really bad anxiety plus body negativity… and very, very rarely I have sucidal thoughts. Like, once every 2 years rarely. I slept in Mama’s bed for 5 or 6 years because I was so anxious. Also, I have a hard time parting with things. For example, I have this tiny Hello Kitty robe that I have had since I was 5. I still have it, 6 years later.

  32. I want to die, but i am afraid of the dirt that i will leave on my parents names. People will think that they didn't raise me properly. They will think that they hated me. My parents will ask themselves where did they go wrong with me, and that question is going to haunt them forever. Im afraid of dying because im afraid of my friends losing memories of good times with me. Im scared of being forgoten. Im afraid of speaking to a therapist or anyone else because i know that they will judge me. Im afraid of leaving the people that put soo much effort and pain and money into me. The problem is that im afraid of dying but i don't want to live.

  33. that letter was so gracious 💕💯 her words truly touched me. I struggle with suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks, and depression and hearing her story reached me to let me know im not alone💛

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