Was I in an unhealthy relationship? | Stef Sanjati

Was I in an unhealthy relationship? | Stef Sanjati


Hello little buns it is Stef welcome back to my home. Today I want to talk to you about something that’s bothered me for a long time sort of it’s sort of I also want to help you out a little bit I have been in a very unhealthy relationship. I might even go as far as to say it was abusive. It wasn’t a romantic relationship it was a friendship. And it got me to a place where I felt worthless and I felt useless and I felt stupid and I felt basically, I did not value myself at all and I felt terrible and it happened so slowly and so. You know I had no idea it was happening I had no idea that it was that it was this person contributing to my life in this way and that it was this person making me feel this way. I didn’t even realize I was feeling this way I didn’t realize that I was less productive I was less happy I was less engaged. There were so many things that were wrong in that situation and I want to give you guys the tools and the resources to be able to notice when you’re in that situation and to be able to get out of it, so let’s talk about unhealthy relationships Hi poots, are you the star of the video? Look at you. Are you the star of the video? I don’t know if you guys can see her, but she’s visiting She’s being a cutie goobagoo. She’s a cutie goobaboo. Aren’t you a good girl. Googoogoogoo. Okay? Hi poots Hi, sweetie. I’m working right now Bubby. I’m trying to get my notes open. No friendship and no relationship whether you know no matter what the nature of it is is perfect. There is no such thing as a perfect that doesn’t exist that’s just not real. And I feel like a lot of media portrays especially like best friends and things to be very infallible, and you know you have to you have to make them happy you have to you know don’t rock the boat don’t don’t don’t speak up for yourself if they call you stupid you know like don’t umm problem. It’s it’s those kinds of portrayals of any kind of situation or any kind of person in media that usually leads to a problem in real life because we assume they’re gonna be like what we see on TV all the time and your best friend isn’t it’s just not gonna be like that I haven’t had a situation where it’s been like blissful and perfect since high school and I think when I was in high school with my best friend I was controlling and I was a bit of a jerk. If it looks perfect you’re probably being a bit of a jerk don’t take that to heart that could be inaccurate but I’m just saying like think about your relationships and understand that if they are not perfect, that’s okay that does not mean it’s unhealthy. And if they are perfect maybe there’s something not being talked about because there should be a healthy amount of disagreement about things that are reasonable. Obviously if your friend thinks that you know black people should be murdered en mass then that’s not a disagreement that’s a moral flaw in their character, and you should not be their friend okay cool glad we agree on that very glad if your friends are racist don’t be friends with them it’s not excusable behavior, okay. Disagreements are totally okay you know you think this artist is not talented and this art is you know this person thinks the artist is the most talented artist in the world it’s okay to disagree on things like that where it’s not a moral problem and it’s not a situation where life and death you know what I mean you can disagree on those things the problem lies where, you know, you don’t let each other like different things. You don’t let each other be different you don’t let each other or you know sometimes you might not let each other be the same. In my situation I had a friend that you know when I tried to do something that I had a very long-term interest in and something that I’d done for a long time but it was something that they did frequently and when I would do it it made them almost like defensive like it was theirs and they owned it and how dare I intrude. A lot of what that relationship felt like for me was me trying to stay out of the way, and that’s not okay. I felt like I was supposed to be the hypeman or I was supposed to be the yes person for this for this friend and that’s just not okay it just it. I consciously did not have a problem with it, you know, I was like okay yeah I’ll over backwards to make this person happy and to leave them alone and just be there when they need me but that’s just not cute because I wasn’t getting the support that I was giving them. And then in a situation where I brought that up where I expressed that I was having a lot of anxiety and I felt like we never really I felt like the support was one-sided I felt like I wasn’t getting help like I was providing to that friend at a time they shut me down, and they made me feel guilty for bringing that up they made me feel like I was being a nuisance and that I was being dramatic And that wasn’t all right. Healthy friendships should have a two-way support system it should be you support your friend your friend supports you back it should not be you constantly or them constantly coming to you and asking you and sitting at your feet and begging you for you know what can I do to make you feel better? Like obviously that’s okay once in a while, but if you are the only person doing that in a situation if it’s not two-sided if it’s a one-sided relationship, that’s a problem and it’s not healthy. Likewise in the same situation where I felt very shut down and ignored and just not listened to, your friend should want to hear what you have to say your friends should want to know how you feel, they should want to experience things like that with you, and if you’re in a situation where you don’t feel like that person wants to make an effort to connect. I don’t think that’s two-sided and of course there are certain situations where people might not be able to connect in a way that other people might be able to and that is okay every friendship is different every person is different so do not apply this giant generalized view of what an unhealthy relationship is to every single person who might not be exactly like you because that’s not going to be accurate 100% of the time, but if that person repeatedly has not cared for you, has not cared about how you feel, has not shown interest in you as a person and is just using you to you know support themselves. No matter what situation is happening with them that’s just not really a healthy relationship for you, so why are you there? Maybe you feel like you have an obligation or a responsibility for this person and it’s possible that you do if they are your child or maybe a romantic partner going through a very very hard time but even then if somebody’s going through a very very hard time, and they’re treating you like absolute garbage you don’t have to deal with that you might feel responsible for somebody but it does not mean that you are unless they are literally your child Okay, or you are a legal guardian, or legal caretaker of somebody. But in a situation like most situations that’s not the case. Now in my situation where I was in this unhealthy relationship I’ve said this earlier but I didn’t really realize that I was being treated this way cause it was so slow and you know that friendship started in a very very healthy, very wonderful place, and we were very close and then over time it deteriorated and it became something so toxic, and so unhealthy, and so unhappy and it happened so slowly that I didn’t really notice it change. And sometimes things do change you know just because the friendship was at one point wonderful does not mean that it’s wonderful right now and that does not mean that you have to stick it out. Just because it was once good, that’s not that’s not real. I know that you see that on TV and movies sometimes where they you know they stick through the hard times and then everything’s good after. And you can stick through the hard times, but it might never be good again it might never become friendly again might never become love loving again it like that’s just not always going to happen. If you do stick around and it becomes great again then great I’m very happy for you, but sometimes that’s not what happens, and I want you to feel like you can get out of those situations or you can leave if that’s the situation and of course there are many layers of this and it might be a situation where you can’t leave if it’s a family member something and I don’t have advice for that. I can’t I I don’t know what it’s like to be reliant on somebody in an unhealthy relationship and you know if you guys have resources for somebody that’s in a situation where they can’t really help themselves like that please in the comments, let me know what’s up I’m also gonna ask on Twitter and try to put some links in the description box for resources like that So you can get some help of some kind. But I’m talking about it really a a situation or a friendship where you’re not reliant on each other where you’re not financially dependent on somebody for example you’re not living with them. You don’t have to stick with them, you don’t have to they’re not your responsibility they are a grown adult and they may have some problems, they may have some issues, they may have you know something they need help with. But if you are not able to help them, you don’t have to keep trying you don’t have to and I don’t know if that’s going to sound evil but I really don’t think it is. Because if it’s at a point where it’s affecting your life and it’s bringing you down not even just a little bit it’s not affecting your mood but it’s destroying you and it’s making you feel worthless and useless You can’t you can’t put somebody else ahead of you unless they’re literally your child Okay, okay like I hope you understand the severity of the situation that I was in and how badly I was feeling. And and you know I hope that you can reflect on some of the friendships that you have that might not be making you happy, and if they’re not making you happy that’s one thing they might not mean they’re unhealthy it might just mean that they’re stagnant you know what I mean might be boring which is another whole situation. But if there’s a situation where you feel totally disrespected and not valued and you bring this to their attention and they shut you down Cut them off they’re not worth it, they’re not worth your time, they’re not worth your effort, not worth your energy, not worth your emotion not worth it. Until next time just remember you are a complete individual on your own you do not need another person to make you whole okay that includes friendships Or or romantic relationships, you are whole on your own okay? And you know maybe you don’t feel great right now that does not mean you’re not whole okay. I love you so much Thank you for coming to visit me. Oh my gosh okay I love you so much, byee I feel like that was slow motion this time felt like I was like I don’t know cool

100 comments

  1. I have a friendship like this with my best friend but i'm too afraid to cut her out because i don't have any other friends. i think there's something wrong with me because I can never make friends. She is always telling me I'm so undateable because I don't have a penis (im ftm) and she ignores me everytime i speak. ive known her for 6 years and don't want to hurt her but also I don't know if I can go back to constantly lying to everyone about "my friends" when I really have none. i got pulled from school when I was 15 and now i have too much social anxiety to go to college so I just work but no one seems very nice at my job to be friends with.

  2. My last toxic friendship was thirteen years ago and I don't miss it at all. Although my good friendships have certainly changed and matured over time, there really isn't any drama there. I don't fight with my friends, I'm not jealous of my friends, and I offer encouragement not judgment. Life is so much better without the drama.

  3. So I subbed recently. Was just going through my feed and saw a video of yours with Chase. Being a Trans guy myself, I had to watch. I love what I've seen so far. Keep up the great work.

  4. Oh. That would be a narcissistic relationship. Overt or covert, there's both.
    Unfortunately, mine was a parent. I'm sure I've met others (friends, past boyfriends) but the parent was the tough one.
    Also want to say, SO MANY of us only feel close to our HS friends…the key is to find our niche & get friends in there, still working on that personally.
    When people feel they OWN A HOBBY, they have low self esteem & you can't help them.

  5. I think this is such a fantastic and helpful video, especially for the newer generation to watch these and go "huh, I fit into this and I should re-look this relationship."
    I personally know someone who isn't in a good relationship, and seeing this video already feels helpful.

    Does anyone know any tips to kind-of… like… wake her up and be like "you are in this situation, and you NEED to look at it critically."
    (I can't go into any details, but it takes an emotional toll on me.)

  6. So I see a lot of replies advising someone in a domestic emotionally abusive relationship to go to a hotline or to a resource center or a shelter… It's not as simple as that. I didn't know that my relationship was abusive, however as apposed to Stef's situation, not bc it started out well, but bc I had NO CLUE that family relationships were normally mutually supportive, not one sided. I thought that the way I was being manipulated was justified, so it took 13 years to figure out that something was wrong. I figured that out by spending a summer trip for two weeks away from this abusive parent, where I was treated as a student, not a child and without that power dynamic I came back home afterwards and saw everything differently. Now that I figured out something was wrong, I went to a shelter, right? No, of course not, I was a kid, I couldn't leave and even if I could have, that would mean leaving my whole world behind and why on Earth would I expect other people to treat me better when I know that I could just as easily wind right back up with another abuser. Fuck if I trusted anyone, but at least this abuser was predictable.

    If you are in a domestic emotionally abusive relationship, first: have a reason to regularly get away from home and try to get away for longer periods of time if you can.

    Second: write everything down. Write. It. Down. I mean quotes, dates, and actions. This will help with your abuser lying to you and telling you that you're making stuff up or telling you that you're exaggerating, and you'll know when they are just trying to make you feel like you're wrong all the time (…instead of thinking that you are not able to remember accurately or that your emotions make you unreliable bc neither of those things are true.) Writing things down helps me with un-bottling my emotions therefore listening to myself. I learned that my thoughts and feelings and my mood was not objectively important bc they wouldn't change anything, and reacting would only make it worse. Which led to me not paying attention to what I thought, or felt. It's okay to shut down around your abuser, but make space when you're alone to listen to yourself write it down. Having receipts will also help you in the long run, if it ever comes to a legal emancipation or a divorce.

    Third: try to talk to someone. I talked to my sister, but if you can, get close with your teachers or another adult so that you can say "this is what happened, this is why my abuser thinks it was justified. However, this is why I think things should have gone differently. You are an adult, what would you have done?" Okay that's why it's actually helpful to talk to an adult, bc when an abuser is a parent they take away your agency bc you are young and pretend that they are objectively right, "if only you were an adult, then you would understand, you'll understand when you're older." But by getting the opinion of an adult who isn't involved in the situation AT ALL, you can test if that is actually true, or if they are bullshitting.

    Fourth: last piece of advice is read. Read to remove yourself in different situations, read to find people who are like yourself, and read to get information. Emotionally abusive behaviors have been studied by psychologists and applying their point of view to what is happening to you will help you recognize, "oh that's the type of bs they are using today" instead of having to figure out whether or not this abuser is actually justified every. single. time. you disagree with them. There are patterns and being educated enough to lable them will help you. I suggest "Why does he do that?" There are free PDFs of this book online.

  7. I recently came out of a similar relationship. My ex demanded empathy, love, and nourishment and I really did try my best to supply him with those things because he was going through a really tough time; but every fucking time I tried so hard and he turned me down and insisted that I wasn't empathetic, loving, or caring enough. He kept throwing all of my efforts to be things that I'm not (read: loving and nourishing) straight into the trash. So fuck him. I broke up with him. I realized I was in a horrible dependent relationship and it needed to end.

  8. Stef.. I am downloading this so I can watch it over & over.. I am getting out of a relationship much like you describe.. thank you !

  9. I hear ya! I have a friend who honestly has always made back handed comments. She always finds a way to make the fact I dress more girly, or do my nails and make up into a negative thing for no reason at all. I could literally get in her car and get "what are you wearing?" Or "why did you do your makeup?" She has even told me "you better not becoming one of those girly girls?" In have been friends with her for over 20 years and I for sure see it being one sided for years now and as you said slowly kind of changing. I went my whole life feeling not good enough and ugly and now that I am in my 30's and finally coming into my own and happy with myself, she has to try to turn things I do into something negative. What hurts the most is because we have been friends for so long we have had conversations about how we don't feel pretty or something and for her to basically shame me for that isn't right. I could talk for days about it lol. I actually had a wake up moment when my husband and I were having problems and my first thought was to drive to another friends house even tho she is closer. I have already begun weaning away from her because it's not fair she treat me that way and I don't deserve it.

  10. I was treated awfully by few “friends” for years and now I don’t care about friends, cause they don’t care

  11. "Friendships should be a two-way support system; you support your friend and your friend supports you back."

    You just captured everything I've been thinking over the past few days.

  12. I really needed this as a reminder. I had a situation like this when I first started college a few months ago. I used to have a roommate who I always had to pick up after. She also expected me to bend to her will.

    For example, I went home and off campus for a single weekend and I told her that she could have her boyfriend over when I wasn't there. That was fine because obviously, I was in another state. I also asked for warnings so I could make other plans. Turns out she made a schedule with him – one that violated the roommate contract we had together. The very last time it happened she didn't tell me until the day before. I slept on one of my friend's floor for a week. He was only supposed to stay for the weekend. On the third day, I realized I had ran out of clothes to wear and I had my mom go back to my room to get them (context: it was FAMILY weekend). She ended up walking in on them having sex.

    After finding out my mom was subjected to that, I filed a complaint. I lived in temporary housing for another week before I had my own room. This person, my roommate, had extremely sociopathic tendencies. I felt that my feelings were never considered and that my safety was at risk because of her actions. I came out feeling liberated and strong, though sometimes I step back and feel bad for her. I blame myself for what happened, despite knowing for certain that it wasn't my fault. This video helped me remember to stay away and stand up for myself.

    Stef, you're amazing. You are so wonderful and don't EVER let anyone convince you otherwise. ♥

  13. this video is 10 days old, so there is a chance nobody will see this.
    i had the realization that i was trans when i was in 8th grade (almost 4 years ago), and high school was eye opening for me.
    i got to meet people that are lgbt*, and i felt comfortable and happy.
    i became friends with this girl; she sat next to me in spanish clas, at the front corner by the teachers desk.
    i felt instantly guilt tripped into being her friend.
    she would tell me emotional stories about her life to make me feel bad for her, and she would tell me how horrid her life is, which you could tell was morphed by so so much exaggeration because her story never stayed straight.
    that was the first idea that i got that this would be hell.
    she would bribe me into going places with her, into doing things with her, into thinking certain ways (usually negatively about people and especially my friends that she didn't like) just because if i wasn't her vision for me, she would use everything she did against me.
    i had waist length wavy brown hair with these messy side bangs, and she would always tell me 'i wish i had your hair. it makes you look so pretty.' and i hated it, even more then it did of that patch of toxic masculinity that told me it wasn't boy hair so it made me angry.
    i had fried it with a straightener because i hated the way the waves and the curls were different and i wanted to fix it.
    so i had cut it to inbetween my shoulder and my jaw, and tossed the straightener.
    she yelled at me because i got rid of my hair, and as much as i told her i hated it and it was damaged beyond fix, she would stand by the jealous idea that i had to be both what she saw me as and how she wanted herself to be.
    about mid summer of 2016, i had officially cut my hair short, and she saw it as a way to say i was a lesbian because i had a girlfriend.
    at the same time that i had my first super short hair cut and that same girlfriend, i used my first 3 preffered names (i wanted to see which one i felt the most, so i had multiple people call me multiple things. the names where jay, axel, and ronnie), and she thought that it was a nickname and whenever anyone tried to explain that it wasn't, she would try to force that she wanted to go by part of her gaming tag and that we needed to call her that.
    because apparently having a preferred name and getting called half of your gamer tag are the same thing.
    november 1st of last year, i wiped all 3 names off the table and started going by rylan, which is my preffered name now.
    she still thought of it as a nickname.
    i dressed more masculine and i had a makeshift binder that i made out of a spanex tank top (i had folded it over and sewed it so it wouldn't fall down) and she told me she had thought of it as a joke because i would say that i looked like a boy and i felt more like a boy.
    this girl would start drama over anything as well, and pull me into it against my will because if i didn't, she would guilt trip me into thinking that i used her and it was how i could pay her back for everything she'd done.
    this past summer, i put my foot down.
    i didn't care that she was visiting family, or anything that she was doing.
    i put my foot down and i had my best friend (a v amazing transwoman who won't take shit if you're harming or talking down about anyone who is lgbt*, especially trans) message her just being like 'hey, i heard you were talking bad about trans people and i just wanted to ask you if you knew anything' and just be lowkey and try to get an answer on why she was being just awful and kind of an asshole about me trying to make it clear that i am a boy and i present myself as a boy.
    the only thing this girl had to say was 'oh my best friend is a trans and i love her to death. i would never say anything bad or disrespectful against someone who was like her'.
    and again, my friend was like 'its not A trans, its trans. its transgender. its not A trans like you saying someone is a photographer or someone is a gamer. and do you mean rylan?' and just tried to get this girl straight about how to support me properly instead of tolerating and pushing that little bit of tolerance to the back of her mind.
    and the girl just insisted that she couldn't call me rylan because she had known me for 2 years and thought of me as a girl and as her sister.
    she tried to call me, and i let it ring as i had a full blown panic attack to where i started blacking out and i couldn't breathe at all.
    so she saw that as an excuse to call my girlfriend at the time and basically talk shit about me to my significant other.
    a direct quote from her is 'i just can't refer to her or him or whatever it is as rylan and as a boy because she's spent countless nights over at my house and has slept in the same bed as me.'
    being called an it was like my breaking point and i cried.
    we tried to talk about it about 8 o clock of the next day, and she called me just because it was better than text in her opinion.
    she told me to go and tell my parents that i'm trans, because i just wanted everyone to know so badly, apparently.
    she would interupt me talking multiple times to just say 'my cousin dresses like a boy, and shes a lesbian. maybe you're just a lesbian that isnt trying to get disowned'. (oh shit you're so right).
    she kept trying to drill into my head that i couldn't be trans and all this shit that related back to her wanting me to basically be a copy of her.
    she outed me to her parents, and i got so upset and defensive because that's not something you're supposed to do.
    her mom found out and took it as harrassment that i was 'so insistent', and almost called the police on me.
    she brought once again that stupid gamer tag equals perferred name issue thar we had argued about almost 6 months before that.
    and i told her that it wasn't even close the same thing, and she used the 'you used me' argument once again.
    she messaged me about a week later saying i didn't care about her or her family, and i put myself and my 'wants' above her vacation (which in reality i had used as a defense on my part because her mom couldn't come to my house and try to talk to me or my parents, thus outing me when i didn't feel comfortable or safe).
    her mom and dad had told me that if they could call me by my 'legal birth name' that it would be like nothing happened and i could be part of their family again.
    i just kept insisting that i didn't want to be erased, i wanted love, i wanted support, and she said we should meet in the middle because she wanted her best friend back (when he never left????).
    dealing with anger problems that i have always had and dealing with them very poorly, i told her i didn't regert anything i said or could have said, and that i ever regret being her friend.
    she said 'it's always about you. i've tried once to meet you in the middle and if you don't get your way, its no way. so i'm done with this.'
    and i just kind of being the ass i can be said 'well i guess i got my way because we aren't going to talk to each other again'.
    then due to anger i almost smashed my window with a sketchbook.
    in a way, i felt relieved? i don't have to deal with poor mental health because of her negativity and my existing mental health issues, and i didn't have to deal with her drama, and in a twisted way i felt great about her leaving.
    knowing her was the most toxic 2 year patch of my life because of how i was treating leading to how i treated others and myself.
    and others were noticing it.
    i don't really think this is relevant anymore but i wanted to get it off my chest because i have seen her brother around and it's coming back up in my life.
    ~ rylan lee

  14. I’ve got a group of friends that I’ve had since we were all between the ages of 3 and 5. There isn’t anything we wouldn’t do for each other, including giving them our blood. There are times that we don’t agree with each other, and there have been times when we’ve been at each other’s throats. All 7 of us have been through hell and back both together and on our own. The key to keeping our relationship as strong as it is is to understand that we’re all human first of all. We’re all going to have different opinions and reactions to things. The second thing I would say is important is communication. If someone is doing something that is hurting you, talk to them and say “oaky you doing this does this to or for me and I don’t like or want it”. If they stop or at least try to understand where you’re coming from and work on it, then they’re worth keeping around. If they know how it affects you then just say “alright, you don’t that I’m worth fighting to keep around, see ya”. Yeah it’ll suck at first. Especially if you put a lot,of time and effort into the relationship. But in the end it will only make you stronger. And this btw goes for ALL relationships. Boyfriend/girlfriend, parent child, siblings, friends… all of them take work. But it should NEVER be one sided.

  15. I'm thinking of breaking up with my partner for this reason. We live together, and we've been dating for almost 3 years. I have nowhere else to live.

  16. Random note: your hair looks STUNNING like that. Serious note: thank you for bringing this up, I've had quite a few toxic friendships that have driven me to madness even though I saw these people as my best friends. It's important to recognize when someone is treating you poorly no matter how great they may seem other times. Either work it out with them or just walk away.

  17. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a relationship with my bf more for him than I am for me. I know that's not ok. We've had problems for a while but I just can't break up with him because I know it would destroy him 🙁 I care about him and I don't want to hurt him.

  18. I hate to be that guy buuuut… You and Ty are suuuuuper click-bait-y. I honestly don't follow either of your videos super closely but when either of you pop up on my feed, I like to see what y'all are up to, I enjoy you both. But you both insist on using click bait titles to draw us in. The thing is, the people who like you are going to watch your videos regardless. I don't know, maybe it's something to consider.

  19. Stef – I always find what you have to say very well done & well beyond your years. You remind me of the term used as an old soul. I really appreciate the content you put out.

  20. so I'm the creative one of my friends group (writing/drawing) and while I'm only decent at art, I've been writing since I was nine and have an unquenchable passion for it. Recently one of my friends started writing and part of me feels like my claim to being the creative one is at stake, I feel a little invaded. But I also love my friend and am confident enough in my own writing to know that she isn't a threat. Instead of saying "hey this is my thing" (because it isn't) everyday we sit down and talk about the different things we're currently writing and support each other and give each other ideas

  21. my current partner and I have a pretty rocky past because of the person I used to be and how I used to deal with my emotional problems. After a break that was a little less than a year, we both changed a lot – for the better – and got back together. My only problem is I feel like I mentally abuse him and manipulate him like I used to when I was a really bad person. Sometimes I get very angry or very sad and I'll say really cruel things that I don't mean, even as far as "I hate you" or "I want to die and you hate me, you want me to die too" he denies that this is abusive but it clearly is and I don't know where to go to get help so that I don't hurt him. He deserves everything good in life, not me brining him down and hurting him every time I get upset. I've tired telling him that I'm no good for him, at least not yet, but he refuses to leave and I don't have the heart to leave him again – even if it is for his wellbeing

  22. I… this is perfect timing. I just got out of an extremely close and unhealthy friendship and its really hard for me to explain why we are no longer friends, and its hard to put in words in what ways she was abusive to me, and you pretty much entirely encompassed it.

  23. I'm so glad you have talked about this! I was in an abusive relationship for two years, to the point where I was not allowed to leave the relationship, due to suicide threats and the belief that I wasn't good enough, despite the fact this person had another girlfriend and was just keeping me around. The best thing you need to do, is try and talk to someone, I kept it bottled up and no one knew which only made it worse. Speak to family, friends or a counselor, and it is okay to leave, no matter what it will be okay. Just take small steps to discuss it with someone who will be able to help you!

  24. had a girlfriend who had an eating disorder. i tried so hard to help her but she was determined to destroy herself and apparently me. she purposely tried to trigger me into slipping back into my past eating disorder multiple times, cheated on me twice, and then tried again to trigger me when i was breaking up with her. yikes.

  25. My ex was abusive to me and we broke up and it took me til then to realize that it was bad for me. He broke up with me and when I instantly felt relieved, I knew something was wrong. He just tried to do the same thing to another girl, and I reached out to her and she talked about it to me so I'm glad I can help people going through it now

  26. I had a friend in high school that always dumped all his problems on me and I listened but when I was having a hard time all I'd get in response was a 'That sucks' and then he'd change the subject. Once he started dating I rarely heard from him unless the relationship ended. All the while he had a giant crush on me and tried to kiss a lot of times even when he was dating someone. I decided I was done with it when I hadn't heard from him in at least half a year even when I reached out and then his girlfriend broke up with him and he suddenly wanted to talk again. Granted I wasn't the best friend either but at least I tried to support him through the shitty things that were happening when I was having a tough time as well

  27. It's taken me awhile to finally sit & watch this. Wow Stef…beauty & brains, thanks so much, I guess it was the right time to watch this, as I needed this advice from you now. Thanks again beautiful girl 😘

  28. oh boy i needed this 6 months ago. STORY TIME: my friend was having a not so great time ( I mean I was too but if I brought it up then I was being selfish and trying to draw attention away from her) and she went on a holiday but was having anxieties about it and wanted to go home and I was supportive about that and I sent her a snap of the tv show I was watching and she r a g e d. "No one cares about your stupid tv shows blah blah blah" and so very calmly I said "Hey I know you're unhappy at the moment but can you please try and speak to me a little better?" and whoa boy that was not the right thing to ask apparently. I was called a selfish bitch, told to get fucked by my 'best friend' and so I just straight up cut her off. like lol bye lil dude it was a good run but if you can't even speak to me civilly then I'm not going to speak to you at all

  29. I have a kind of unhealthy relationship with my dad and sometimes I think the relationship I have with my slightly LGBT-phobic friend is unhealthy.

  30. I'm loving the new goth look for I am goth too 💕. Also, I was wondering if you were pagan or wiccan or something because I'm a curious little bun.

  31. My ex was exactly like this, except he used his mental illness as a clutch to turn to every time I asked for attention or understanding, or even just a little of his time. Leaving was the best thing I’ve ever done

  32. I have had an abusive friendship that i had to cut off that i've felt guilty about for years, and i recently had to cut out someone who wasn't abusive but …it was unhealthy like you're describing, so I needed to hear these things. It hurts to let people you care about go, but sometimes that's the healthiest thing to do for the both of you. And the hurt is hard to deal with when you're the one cutting them out but things you said here is helping me deal with that. So..
    Thanks, Stef ♡

  33. I wish more people were like you. …lack of knowledge, intelligence, compation and empathy maybe… … maybe that's why I'm a bit antisocial… You have a beautiful soul. You're a gem. Much love. Bless up 💞

  34. There's nothing wrong with this video; I can't fathom why a company would dislike it. This is a positive, meaningful message.

  35. Had a best friend that I was incredibly attracted to (a girl). Anyways, one day we made out in the back of my car (TMI, i know) but from that point on she knew how hopelessly attracted to her i was, and she began treating me like i was stupid, pathetic and constantly put me down. All the while pretending like she was attracted to me but went back and forth on if she was gay or not. It was truly a mind fuck. it wasnt until i told her sister that i hated the way she treated me. Then her sister told her, she told her mother, and they all threatened me and said awful things about me. DOES ANY OF THIS MAKE SENSE?

  36. Thank you… thank you for talking about toxic and abusive friendships. I think I'm dealing with something similar now and it's so painful…

  37. jumping in several months late to add on to this to say that if you find yourself constantly trying to help out a friend/significant other/family member/whoever, and if it seems like whatever you do for them is never enough in their eyes and they always want more….. probably definitely unhealthy!

  38. Real. Truth.

    Amazing insight and amazing disclaimers (i.e. exceptions and the insistence that exceptions exist.)

    You're on point, girl, and it gives me life! Xoxo

  39. Amen, welcome to My "divorced life". I have more than just a BA Degree, yet I was called "Dumbass" constantly near the end of my Marriage to my "Highschool DROP-OUT" Ex-Husband! Then he beat me up, so I was at my Lawyers like a few days after (cuz I needed to physically heal a bit )!! His Loss, literally, figuratively & economically (Alimony$$)……who's the Dumbass NOW??

  40. Sadly a abusive friendship is not a isolated affair. If they did this to you, chances are there are more people out there as well feeling and having a similar experience with this person.

  41. Your best bet an older man I'm with someone 21 yrs older and he's good to me guys I have met were jerks that were my age

  42. Well, here's how I feel. I'd drag my ass across a mile of broken glass just to hear u fart in a walkie talkie. I don't care that u were a boy, or man or gay or even straight. Hearing u kick knowledge, is sexy. I wish I was your dog right now. I'd chew them fingers lol.

  43. While I do have a few people I consider really good friends, my two BEST friends are my dog (canine friend) Jack and an AI

  44. Thank you so much for making this video! I’ve been in a similar situation lately, and made to feel guilty for standing up for myself. Also I LOVE your Nuka Cola poster 🙂

  45. Great point to differentiate between parental responsibility vs friendship choices. Brilliantly BESPARKLED and Athleisure Ninja APPROVED🌈👭💙💚💛❤💜👭🌈

  46. Thanks again love…just watched this for the 3rd time, before I share it with a younger friend…missing your regular YouTube posts 💖😘🇦🇺

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