What pregnancy and birth did to my vagina and breasts

– What’s up everyone? So I just posted a
video on my main channel about my body transformation
from before pregnancy, during pregnancy, and after pregnancy. I’ve talked about it on
this vlog channel before, like, what my body’s gone through. But one thing I left out
of the main channel video is the information about my
bresticles and my vaheen. I took the information
about about the boobsicles and the vaheensicles because I just felt like
it was a little too much. Like, even though it’s educational, and it’s natural, and every woman who
has a baby goes through really big body changes, so I feel like we should be able to talk about it more openly, I didn’t want to put jarring footage of my breasts being terrifying, and talk about what happened to my vagina and the stitches and
all that jam in a video that people probably just clicked on to see what my body looked like
before and after pregnancy. And then, that’s what they clicked on, and then all of a sudden they get, like, my wormy, veiny boobies in their face. So if you guys came here to
see that, you’re in luck, ’cause I’m gonna show you. First I’ll talk about my boobsicles, and then I’ll talk about my vaheensicles. Basically my boobs are
so different looking now. They used to be just cute,
little, normal boobs. I had normal-ish nipples I think, I don’t really have much to compare it to. But I feel like I had
cute, normal looking boobs. And then now, after breastfeeding
for almost two months, they look like breastfeeding boobs. They are really big, and the nipples are bigger, and a totally different shape. But the weirdest part about my boobs now is that there’s veins all over them, and red, scar marks. I don’t really know how
else to explain them. I’ve looked it up online and
I haven’t seen anyone else who has these things all over their boobs. So I have footage of it. Like I said, this is jarring, ’cause it’s like, close-ups of my boobs. Now, I am covering up my nips
with my hands in this footage, but for some reason seeing
the under part of a boob to me is just really aggressive. It’s no different than seeing
the top part of cleavage, and I feel like this is educational, and it’s not sexual in any way, it’s literally me showing you this is what happened to my breasts after pregnancy and now breastfeeding. No part of this is me, I don’t know, trying to sexualize this at all. Like, this is literally, I’m showing you, I use my
boobs for why I have them, to breastfeed, and this is what they look like now. So here is this footage of
what happened to my boobs. You can see underneath my boob. See, like, how is this any different than showing the top of
my cleavage, you know? But see all those veins and red marks? It’s definitely worse in person than it is on the camera. I’m also not showing you most of my boobs, because hello, this is not
a porno, this is YouTube. So that’s what my boobs look like now, which is really cool. Shout out if any y’all
mamas know what that’s like or experience that as well. It doesn’t even look
close to as bad on camera as it does in person. In person it looks way
worse in my opinion, like, terrifying to me every
time I look in the mirror. It doesn’t just look like skin and nipple, it’s like veiny, scarred,
red lined welt craziness, and then nipples that are really
big and leaking milk 24/7. So, that’s really cool. Anyway, moving on, who cares. My vagina. So if you guys have
been watching my vlogs, or watching any of my videos really, I’ve talked about that I
had a lot of damage done to my vaheen during the birth. So, I had a vaginal birth,
the baby came out my vagina; I did not do a C-section,
I didn’t cut him out. And I was very aggressive
and an overachiever when they told me to push him out. So I pushed really, really hard and really long each time, I wanted that kid out of
me as quickly as possible. So I pushed for 30 minutes, but it’s not a straight 30 minutes. They go, push, during every contraction, and you push for 10 seconds, and then you take a break
for a couple seconds. And then you push for 10 seconds,
and then you take a break. You push for 10 seconds
and you take a break. And then you take a long break
until your next contraction. So I think I pushed for 30 minutes, but I probably did eight to
10 big pushes and he was out. I ruined my vagina (laughing), like, it is ruined. So, I kind of hinted at this a few times, and actually, Erik was
the one who encouraged me to talk about this on the Internet, ’cause he was like, “Women
should know about this. “People should talk about
this kind of stuff online.” Women oftentimes are told not
to talk about their bodies in any way other than a sexual way, is kind of how we’re encouraged
to show off our bodies and talk about our bodies. But rarely do you hear someone be like, “Hey, I have stitches all over my vagina,” or, “I have veins all over my boobs, “let me show you.” And I think it’s important for women to show all the different types of things that can happen to our bodies, ’cause our bodies are really cool, and yeah, so. Basically (laughing), I
don’t know all the details of what exactly kind of tears that I got, because every time I asked
my doctor or the nurses, “Hey, what’s going on with the stitches?” They would just be like, “There’s a lot.” And do really big eyes (laughing). Literally I asked,
like, four or five times when I was in the hospital, “What kind of stitches do I have? “How many stitches do I have? “What kind of tears did I get?” And every time they’d just be like, “There’s a lot.” So I pushed for 30 minutes, and basically to give you an idea of how many stitches I had, the doctor was stitching
me for over an hour. So I was laying there after I gave birth for over an hour as he stitched me up. And there are stitches… Not any more, they have dissolved. Okay, so now I’m gonna
get into the details. Oh God, this is so weird. Basically I was in a lot
of pain after I gave birth, because of the stitches, there were so many stitches, and I was afraid to look. I finally looked two
weeks after I gave birth. So I don’t know what it
looked like right after, but I know that two
weeks after I gave birth it made me cry; like, sob cry when I looked. Because it didn’t look
like a vagina anymore. First I’m gonna tell you what I saw, which was a disaster, and then I will try to draw
you a little cartoon picture of where I think the stitches were at, and then I’m gonna talk
to you about how I felt, because it was intense. When I looked with a little mirror, I saw stitches go, okay, so
there’s your vagina hole. It went up towards the front. It went up high, it went up really high. And then went to the side, and kind of cut through part
of my vagina flapillage. I know all the scientific terms
that are in the vagina, so. And then the stitches
went all the way back, right near the buttocks, but not all the way to my butthole. So it went up pretty far back, but didn’t, it didn’t reach my butthole. So it wasn’t one big gaping hole, it was, like, you know, a gaping hole and then my butthole, which was covered in hemorrhoids. So, hemorrhoids you get
from different ways, but how I got my hemorrhoids (laughing) was from pushing so freaking hard it made all these hemorrhoids happen, and they were all just
popping out of my butthole and my bootyhole don’t even
look like a bootyhole no more, it looks like crusty cauliflower head, like, it is not cute, like,
that is not a cute butt. So, my butthole just is nasty (laughing). And my vagina, the stitches went, it was kind of like that, like kind of like a (tongue clicking), that was the shape of the vagina stitches. And the hole of my vagina was large, when I looked at it two
weeks after giving birth. It was large, and it
looked like my insides were pouring out of my vagina. Like, it literally looked
like the intestines were trying to escape my vagina, like, I could see them coming
out is what it looked like. And there were tons of
stitches on all of that. So I could see stitches inside, like, all over inside my vagina. So, that is what I got. And so I’ve had my six week
checkup with my gynecologist, and he was like, “Looks good, “everything’s clearing up nicely.” And I was like, “Why doesn’t
it look like a vagina?” And he was like, “Because
it’s still healing.” So I am scared that it’s never gonna look
or feel the same again; I’m really terrified of my vagina. It’s still doesn’t look right to me. The biggest thing in my opinion is that it looks like a chunk
of my vagina is missing. So, there’s like a chunk gone, like, I don’t know where it is, like, it didn’t get sewed back on. I don’t know if my kid
ate it on the way out. I don’t know if it just,
like, I popped some stitches, ’cause I was excited I
wasn’t pregnant anymore, so I was dancing and
moving around way too much right after I gave birth, and so I must’ve popped
a bunch of stitches and then, like, it just popped a chunk. I don’t know. But my vagina doesn’t look
like a vagina anymore y’all. And I’ve talked to a lot
of moms and they’ve said, “It goes back, I promise,
it all goes back.” So apparently it goes back, but mine has not gone back to how it was. It looks much better than it did two weeks after I gave birth. It looks more like a vagina now, but it still, to me, looks terrifying. I looked at it, and I came into Erik, and I was like, “Oh my God!” And I was trying to make a joke of it, like I kind of am this whole video, like joking around and
acting and talking weird, because it makes me
uncomfortable and sad (laughing). So I came into Erik and I was like, “Oh my God I just looked at my vagina “and it’s so weird, it’s
so gross, ha ha ha.” And he didn’t play into my
jokey manner of talking. He literally looked at
me really sincerely, and he goes, “Are you okay?” And I just like, my eyes welled
with tears and I was like, “No,” and I just started sobbing, because there is something about… That’s the thing that, that’s the sexual organ
that makes me a woman. And I know being a woman is how you feel, and who you are on the inside, that’s what makes me a woman, like, I am a woman because
that’s what I feel that I am. That’s not me trying to
be insensitive to women who don’t have vaginas,
because I know that exists too. But for me personally, my vagina is what makes, that is an important part
of me feeling like a woman, is my vagina, and my breasts. And the fact that I could see my boobs looking as weird and as
different as they do, and with scars and marks all over them, and then to also see my
vagina and my butt, like, just terrifying looking, you know, it just took away any part of me that could have possibly
felt sexy or womanly or anything like that. And I just cried, like, I
cried and cried and cried. And, I’m running out of room on this. Okay. So, I was trying to explain it to him, like, I guess it’s hard to explain unless you’ve experienced it, so. It’s not like, ugh, I
have hair in my mouth. It’s not like, you know,
I got a broken finger, or like, stitches all the
way down my arm or something, and now my arm looks totally different, or my leg, or my foot. Like, it’s not like that. It feels so much different
and so much heavier that it’s something that is
such a personal part of my body that to me looks destroyed was really jarring, and I had an emotional reaction to it that I was not anticipating at all. It really just, I don’t know. It was really jarring, and just emotionally
terrifying to see, so. Anyway, I went through all of that. And I guess I’m saying all of that so that if there’s anyone else out there who watches my videos who is
pregnant or who has had a kid and has felt that way,
maybe feels less alone. Because a lot of the things that I have experienced with my pregnancy and after having the baby, I have felt like, kind of alone, and the only thing that
made me feel better was talking to other women who have experienced similar things. So when I was pregnant
and feeling horrible, the only people I felt
like I could talk to who really understood were women going through
the exact same thing as me. And these are two things that, my boobs looking the way they do, and my vagina being how it was, those are two things I
haven’t found women yet that have experienced the same thing, so I felt very alone going
through those things, and I was like, “Well, if
me talking about it can one, “educate people on what
your body really goes though “with birth and breastfeeding and whatnot, “that’s great that I can educate people “on what happened to my body; “doesn’t mean it happens to all bodies, “but it’s what happened to mine.” So that would be great. And also if I can make one
woman out there feel like, less alone in this experience, then it’s worth it. Although this video is
probably gonna get deleted, because YouTube is weird sometimes, and deletes things that
aren’t inappropriate, but yeah, I don’t know.
(hands clapping) So that’s the tea. That’s my boobs, that’s my boos. That’s my jam. It’s obviously all worth it, like, I would do it again in
a heartbeat to have my son. I mean, I’m never getting
pregnant again, hopefully. ‘Cause my pregnancy was so bad I never wanna do it again. It was worth it, like, every second was worth it to have Flynn, but I would not voluntarily
go through a pregnancy again, because my body just
couldn’t handle pregnancy like other women’s bodies can. So yeah. That’s the tea. And now I’m gonna go. But if you haven’t seen my
full body transformation video on my main channel, go check that out. Subscribe to this channel
if you’re not already. And I love you guys, and I hope this video
didn’t scare you too much. Okay, bye!

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